Lone boy on playground confirms speculation he’s grounded from Fortnite

A solitary boy kicking a can around on an otherwise deserted playground confirmed Thursday his parents grounded him from the popular video game Fortnite.

Witnesses describe the boy as looking lost and unfamiliar with the playground equipment.  Out of frustration, he began kicking the dirt and loudly cursing his mom and dad.

“All my friends are at home drinking soda and eating junk food in their stuffy rooms while I’m stuck out here in the fresh air getting exercise.  How did I end up with such lousy parents? The universe is so unfair,” the angry boy shouted at the sky.

Apparently a concerned citizen agreed and Child Protective Services were called to pick up the eleven year old and question his parents.  

“Well you’ve got to wonder, what kind of monstrous people would ground their child from Fortnite and send him outside to play,” said Derrick Brood, CPS officer.  “I cherish the time I spend with my boys playing Fortnite, and they love the opportunity to interact with their friends without having to leave the house. It’s a win, win!”

Reports indicate the boys parents have agreed to reinstate the youth’s Fortnite privileges and keep him inside under constant supervision.  

For his part, the boy is just happy the universe heard his plea and came to his aid, manifesting as a nosy neighbor, and rescuing him from the sunny, open air dungeon that had imprisoned him.

Trump abandons plan for border wall, opts instead for ‘invisible fence’

In a major concession, President Donald Trump has dropped his request for six billion dollars to build a border wall, opting instead to pursue an invisible fence along the country’s southern border with Mexico.  He outlined his proposal in an address to the nation Tuesday night.

“My fellow Americans, I am tonight withdrawing my funding request to build a big beautiful wall along our southern border.  I’ve been consulting with my advisors and we’ve determined the best course of action would be to construct an invisible fence.  We talked about a wall, we considered steel slats, but eventually decided invisibility is the way to go.

“Have you seen these things?  Well, of course you haven’t, they’re invisible.  They’re an invisible, electric barrier people put around their yards to keep intruders out, as well as keep children and pets in.  If you try to penetrate the fenceline, it zaps you. I hear they’re quite effective.

“My people tell me the fence is actually already 90% complete and will be finished soon.  Best part of all, Mexico is paying for it. I’m told they’re funding it through some type of invisible money called cryptocurrency.  It’s totally untraceable, Fake News, so don’t even try to check it.

“Invisible money, who knew?  Next time I gotta pay off a porn star, I’m using some of that.  

“So, to summarize, big beautiful invisible fence, Mexico pays for it, government reopens, I win.  You’re welcome, America and Dems.”

Administration sources confirm the fence to be a hoax perpetrated on the president for the purpose of pacifying the man whose daily tantrums are making the White House staff miserable.  “That’s right, it’s bullshit. Let him declare victory and move on,” said one exasperated senior aide.

A trip to inspect the invisible border fence is planned for an upcoming date.  Officials are worried the president may try to test the nonexistent fence as he is prone to behavior like staring at eclipses, sticking his finger in light sockets, and touching hot plates when warned not to.

University students keeping the world safe from comedy

Students at Columbia University pulled the plug on SNL comedian Nimesh Patel in the middle of his set after organizers deemed his jokes racist and homophobic.  The comedian reportedly joked about a gay, black man he knew saying that being gay cannot be a choice because “no one looks in the mirror and thinks, ‘this black thing is too easy, let me just add another thing to it.’”

Terrified students hid under tables and some ran for the exits as Patel unloaded a firestorm of “offensive” and “inappropriate” jokes into the audience.

Said one Bard College audience member who was emotionally injured in the incident but refused treatment at the scene, “Obviously the world is not a safe space but just accepting that it’s not and continuing to perpetuate the unsafenes of it…is saying that it can’t be changed.  When older generations say you need to stop being so sensitive, it’s like undermining what our generation is trying to do in accepting others and making it safer.”

Older generations may recall the unsafe seventies and eighties when comedy related activity claimed untold victims and kept most people in their homes, afraid to come out at night.  

NYPD Special Victims Detective Dominic Rizzo, who was present at the scene, remarked on those dark times:  “We’ve come a long way since the days when guys like Carrot Top used to roam the streets and back alley comedy clubs, preying on the innocent.”

Rizzo went on to recount the worst call of his life.  “I remember a comedy room of 200-250 people slain by Gallagher back in 1982.  Dear God, it was the most horrifying scene I’ve ever witnessed. So senseless, everyone covered in pumpkin and watermelon guts, laughing hysterically.  You’re never the same after something like that. It haunts me to this day.”

“I suppose these kids are onto something,” said Rizzo.  “Thank God dangerous dudes like George Carlin and Richard Pryor aren’t around anymore.  I mean, these were serious guys – seriously funny guys. They were killers. They’d put you in a body bag.”  

The students hope to one day rid the comedy club stages of comedians altogether, making the shows safe for them to do what comes natural…staring at their smartphones.

Scientists: Human ancestors and a guy named Dennis “mate with anything vaguely human”

In the past ten years, a successful attempt to sequence the genome of Neanderthals revealed that most modern humans carry 2-4% Neanderthal DNA, indicating our human ancestors bred with their ancient cousins.

Further scientific research into a finger bone discovered in Siberia uncovered a whole new group of archaic humans we now refer to as Denisovans.  Once again, DNA comparisons with humans revealed that the two species on occasion made the beast with two backs.

Additional investigation of human DNA found remnants of other hominim species completely unknown to scientists.

These findings have led scientists to conclude that our human ancestors had no misgivings about mating with anything that looked vaguely human.   

Then along came Dennis, a “modern human” who seems to carry many genetic features derived from our ancient past.

“I came to the attention of scientists when I sent off a 23 and Me sample.  It came back showing that roughly 18% of my DNA could be traced back to Neanderthals, Denisovans, and a vast array of other unknown ancient hominims.  This knowledge really began to answer a lot of questions for me.”

Police records reveal a man who’s been arrested on multiple occasions for trying to hump museum statues and department store mannequins.

Out at the bars, he often tries to attract prospective females with a strange ritual of chest thumping, growling and throwing dirt around.  Additionally, he’s been known to lay the remains of a half eaten steak at the feet of a female he’s particularly fond of.

Hypnotic regression therapy is helping Dennis confront some of his primitive impulses.   

“I carry within me the knowledge of what it’s like to copulate with a Denisovan.  They lived around 500,000 years ago. Let me tell you, sex with a Denisovan is a pretty wild experience.  Far from sharing a tender and loving moment, it’s savage and brutal, quite terrifying really. Some of the females have been known to kill the male after the act.”

These deep memories of a time long ago have left Dennis psychologically scarred but hopeful for the future.

“I’m currently in psychotherapy which seems to be helping.  I’m also in a pretty committed relationship with a female that carries an unusually high amount of Neanderthal DNA.  I think she gets me.”

White people celebrate news Sinead O’Connor no longer wants to spend time with them

White people around the world are rejoicing at news Sinead O’Connor has decided she no longer wants “to spend time with white people again…Not for one moment, for any reason.”  

“Hooray, our long global nightmare is over!” shouted one ecstatic white person who wishes to remain nameless.  “No more calling and dropping by at all hours with her endless list of grievances and her sanctimonious crap.”

All over the streets of Whiteland there was non-stop joy and celebration as the news dropped on Tuesday.

“Oh happy day!  Everything is wonderful and new again,” cried a caucasian woman enjoying her lunch break next to a hot dog stand.  “This disgusting, dried up wiener tastes like the food of the gods.”

White people were spotted dancing, quite stiffly and awkwardly, on sidewalks, cars and rooftops.  Others gleefully sang out of tune and played air guitar.

A small group of culture appropriating white people attempted to express their sudden euphoria through rap and beat boxing, but were quickly shut down and rounded up by authorities without incident.

Elsewhere, horrified at the prospect of a Sinead O’Connor pop-in, muslims and people of color locked their doors, took the phone off the hook, and suddenly had “this thing they had to go to.”

Anxious university students demand maestro cease conducting orchestra with a baton

Students at a prestigious northeastern university are demanding the school’s orchestra conductor cease and desist from using either his hands or his baton when conducting the university orchestra.

“The abrupt hand movements and the brandishing of a baton are triggering extreme anxiety in some of the student audience members,” says Arnold Lane, a spokesperson for the group demanding the maestro lay down his baton.  “We’re requesting the maestro consider alternative, less fear producing methods of conducting, such as raising and lowering his eyebrows.”

“Well the baton’s got to go, for sure,” says one cisgender female student who wished to remain anonymous.  “I mean it’s like he’s up there waving a big penis around, isn’t it?”

“I’m terrified he’s going to turn around and beat me with it,” added her male friend.

The student’s demands come on the heels of the group’s successful effort to have applause banned and replaced with “jazz hands,” considered a more sensitive approach to showing appreciation.

Orchestra members are naturally skeptical of eyebrow conducting.  “The maestro’s eyebrows are actually quite bushy and menacing,” commented one member.  “I actually think a gentle bending or wagging of the index fingers might be the least triggering method.”

Students are planning demonstrations and performance interruptions until their demands are satisfied.

Sen. Mitch McConnell attempts to conceal lying with lack of lip movement

Ever mindful of the old expression, “You know when he’s lying because his lips are moving,” Mitch McConnell in recent years has taken to speaking without even the slightest disturbance of the area surrounding his mouth.  What remains unclear, though, is whether the Senator believes that by not contorting his lips in any discernible fashion, he can fool those around him into believing the voluminous flow of excrement issuing forth from his motionless sound hole.

Apparently he does because the frequency with which the untruths carelessly fly past his unmoving lips is accelerating like the expansion of the universe.  The latest whopper is his assertion that not approving Supreme Court Justices in an election year is “following a long standing tradition” in the Senate dating back to the 1880’s.  In the 1880’s McConnell was a junior staffer with the Kentucky Senate delegation, so he should know better than anyone that the tradition then was to approve election year nominations.  It is the case that one time since 1888 a nominee was not approved. One time does not a tradition make.

When John Dickerson challenged the Senator’s bullshit on Face the Nation, McConnell became quite defensive and shut down the questioning saying, “You’re not listening to me, John.  The history is just as I told you.” Dickerson seemed slightly taken aback, not only by McConnell’s admonition, but also by the appearance that the words did not seem to emanate from the Senator’s mouth.     

Aides close to the Senate Majority leader say he has been working closely with ventriloquists to perfect the art of speaking without appearing to say anything at all.  The training was undertaken in earnest back when he took over as Majority Leader during the Obama administration. At the time, he attributed an economic uptick with “the expectation of a new Republican Congress.”  The backlash over the absurdity of his comment caused him to explore ways to obscure the frequent untruth telling he was embarking upon. Realizing that every time his lips moved the lies seemed to gush forth like a dam breaking, he determined to take drastic action.      

Additional steps taken to mask the appearance of lying include lip reduction surgery. Many have opted to have fat cells injected into their lips to give them a fuller, fat tire appearance.  McConnell is thought to be the first subject to have their lips deflated to the point of riding on the rims.  The procedure was everything he’d hoped for and resulted in his present turtle like appearance.

Currently, the Senator is working on perfecting the art of “throwing his voice”.  Once this final piece of the puzzle is in place, he will have achieved complete plausible deniability. Imagine the power to lie at will and not have the untruths trace back to the source, but instead be able to stick them to others like hurling darts at a dart board.  It is said when McConnell first conceived the idea, he became almost perceptibly animated and let out a barely audible croak of delight.