Stuck at home, man explores strange new sedentary realms

After struggling for weeks to adjust to the new government mandated stay-at-home routine, Ray Harris can finally report he’s achieved a near perfect state of blissful inactivity.  Accustomed to “hitting the ground running” everyday, Ray initially bristled at the idea of being “cooped up” 24/7. After all, his friends called him Free Bird, and everybody knows “this bird you cannot change.”   

But Ray eventually did change, and, as he’d heard good things, decided to see what this Netflix business was all about.  Soon, however, the act of scrolling and searching for new programs to watch seemed like a lot of unnecessary effort. Reading and turning the pages of books became a tedious exercise.  Even following the superficial disputes between guests of daytime talk shows required way more brain power than Ray was willing to expend. At that moment, Ray made up his mind to embrace idleness in a manner never before thought humanly possible.   

One day, Ray acquainted himself with an ant that had somehow, improbably, found its way to his upper story bathroom.  The ant had been hanging out there for days, and often greeted Ray at the sink, standing on its hind legs whenever Ray popped in for a brisk hand-washing.  The old Action Ray would have smashed the interloper with a kleenex and flushed him down the toilet. But Idle Ray had come to enjoy their brief exchanges, sometimes spending hours seated on the edge of the bathtub watching the ant explore its surroundings, wondering why the tiny adventurer had left his posse down at ground level to scale the plumbing up to the second floor.

Soon Ray began spending extended periods of his day sitting as still as possible.  The combination of extreme social-distancing and intense inactivity allowed Ray to achieve what can only be described as a state of sedentary nirvana.  He was able to slow the electrical activity in his muscles to a weak trickle, and his calorie-burn rate dropped to well under one per minute. His muscles started to atrophy at three times the normal rate, and the neural activity in his brain began to dim like a rolling blackout.  

Just then, before he could commence the process of shedding years from the end of his life, Ray felt a light tickling on his nose.  He wanted to scratch it, but remembered the prohibition against touching one’s face and stopped himself. Instead, he opened his eyes, and strained mightily to cross them and focus inward on the end of his nose.  There he saw the ant standing on its hind legs, shaking four fists, and berating him for God knows what. Ants can be such sanctimonious bastards. Ants also work like hell. This little fella was probably giving him shit for his unfathomable laziness.  Having stood at the edge and stared into the abyss, Ray withdrew and thanked his little buddy for saving him from couch potato oblivion.

Bloomberg demonstrates fitness to be president – spends half a billion dollars and has nothing to show for it

“Slow down and let the leader lead.”  Indeed, the Mike Bloomberg campaign has done something no one thought possible.  Capping off an historic three month spending blitzkrieg, the campaign can now point to its victory in American Samoa and proclaim, “Money well spent!”

Former crack addicts, chronic gamblers and recovering alcoholics looked on in envy, thinking, “I wasted fifteen years of my life on hookers and blow when, if I had applied myself, in just three months I could have amassed a handful of delegates for the Democratic nomination to be President of the United States.”  

As Wednesday morning dawned across America, many voters wondered if the pacific islanders might not be onto something.  After all, how could one better demonstrate one’s fitness to be president than by recklessly hurling stacks of cash at an intended outcome only to have nothing to show for the effort?

“Mike Bloomberg would make a first rate commander-in-chief,” says former Deputy Defense Secretary Casper Swinetrough.  “Anyone who could potentially be that careless with America’s pocketbook has got my vote. And, by the way, I’ve got several foreign military interventions we could invest in.  Additionally, I’ve got a list of a dozen or so nations in various states of disrepair that could use some rebuilding.”

Authorities worry powerful new cannabis compound could produce legions of superstoners

The recent discovery of a cannabis compound 30 times stronger than THC by researchers in Italy has some law enforcement officials in the United States more than a little concerned.  The new compound called THCP forms a bond to human cannabinoid receptors 33 times stronger than THC. Once consumed, users are cast into a blizzard of fragmented thoughts and erratic sensations.  The higher cognitive functions become scrambled and the user becomes a slave to uncontrolled impulses. 

“To call these people stoners on steroids would be putting it mildly,” reports Police Chief Eric Whelp of Ocala, FL.  “Early reports describe roving bands of super stoners converging on convenience stores and devouring the entire contents in a matter of minutes.  An impromptu drum circle could pop up anywhere at any time, drawing thousands to the hypnotic rhythms that seem to produce increasingly bizarre behavior.”      

Many have speculated on the origins of the cannabinoid, but It is generally thought the super strength compound somehow made its way onto a research vessel returning from an excursion to Skull Island where scientists were pursuing the elusive Kong.  It is believed that one of the ship’s crew may have accidentally brought the compound on board.  

While scientists struggle to understand what makes it the most potent compound yet discovered, law enforcement officials prepare for unpredictable behavior and potential mayhem.  “We’re staking out the public parks and the Taco Bells,” said Whelp. “If a hack circle spirals out of control, or there’s a run on nachos, we’ll be ready for it.”

New details emerge regarding the late twenty-something “Stolen Kids of Sarah Lawrence”

Additional disturbing allegations have emerged regarding accused cult leader Lawrence Ray.  A New York Magazine piece entitled “What Happened to the Stolen Kids of Sarah Lawrence?” details years of forced manual labor imposed on the group of late twenty-something “kids” by their diabolical crew leader Ray.

The shocking piece describes a pattern of shoddy yard work and unfinished landscaping stretching from New Jersey to North Carolina.  “At first, Ray planted some trees and flowers. But it wasn’t long before he began making larger alterations,” said one victim. These larger alterations included a partially dug hole for a pool that “never materialized,” another hole with a boat in it, and unplanted trees.

The cult’s activities take on an even more horrifying aspect when it’s discovered that Ray used the “kids” he “stole” from Sarah Lawrence College to perform the half-assed yard work.  Then he attempted to bilk them out of thousands of dollars through legally binding emails and hand-written contracts that read “Prices of your Things I Damaged” and “This is an agreement… to settle reparations.”  It’s doubtful any lawyer in the land would want to go near any of those disputes.

“Ray’s home renovations and landscaping were key to his manipulation,” the article states.  Lawrence Ray wouldn’t be the first cult leader to control the mind’s of his followers through ceaseless toil and manual labor.  Jim Jones forced his followers to farm the land. Charles Manson’s crew worked as ranch hands. Most likely, Jeff Bezos employs an elaborate system of AI powered mind control to manipulate his followers into working in his distribution centers.  

At least this fiend, Lawrence Ray, is now off the streets, in federal custody, and nowhere near the flower beds and shrubbery of the unsuspecting public.  Most disturbing, though, is the question of how an ex-con managed to manipulate the minds of some of the brightest, most coddled and privileged, young people at one of the nation’s most prestigious institutions of higher learning into following him?  Perhaps we’ll never know.

Media to the American public: If anyone’s going to deceive you, it’s going to be us

Following the release of a video by the Bloomberg campaign showing a 20 second awkward silence after Bloomberg asks his Democratic debate opponents if they’d ever started a business, many media outlets are reaffirming their position that they alone reserve the right to produce deceptive and misleading media content.

Washington Post Fact-Checker Glenn Kessler assigned four Pinocchios to the Bloomberg video stating, “Anyone who had not seen the debate could have been easily misled into thinking the other candidates stood there in stunned silence for nearly half a minute.”

Setting aside the near cosmic certainty that a stage full of political candidates could never remain silent for twenty seconds during a debate in progress, debate moderators and MSNBC producers would likewise never allow that much dead air to eat up the broadcast.  Wouldn’t someone in the control room shout through a moderator’s earpiece, “Ask a fucking question!” or wouldn’t they just cut to a commercial?     

But, alas, I’m just one of the naive, propaganda consuming public who doesn’t realize when he’s being misled and misinformed by sophisticated disinfo agents.  For that take, Vox interviewed Cindy Otis, a former CIA analyst and disinformation expert who has authored a helpful guide for identifying disinformation called, True Or False: A CIA Analyst’s Guide to Spotting Fake News.  Otis tells Vox, “Not being up front about an edited video or other changed content runs a big risk since people spread things quickly without verification.”

How thoughtful of this former employee of the CIA to use her experience and expertise to help Americans bypass the lies and deception and get straight to the facts.  After all, it’s been the CIA’s mission for years to get the truth out to the American public, even if they have to secretly collude with news organizations to do it. The CIA has always been very “up front” about their propaganda and media manipulation.

In addition to illustrating the ways by which Bloomberg’s video deceives the public, HuffPost is super excited about Twitter’s plan to label tweets containing “manipulated media,” or remove tweets if they “are likely to cause harm.”  It seems there were a number of Twitter users who were concerned the debate stage had been overrun by crickets after viewing the Bloomberg video. HuffPost is committed to making sure the American public gets only an objective rendering of the facts, which is why Jesselyn Cook concludes her piece by informing readers, “Bloomberg’s performance in the debate in Las Vegas – his debut at the forums – was widely panned, as he struggled to respond effectively to harsh criticisms of his record on race relations, sexual harassment complaints, economic inequality and other issues.”

Got that?  If you watched the Bloomberg campaign video, you might think that he dunked hard on the rest of the field, but thankfully, HuffPost is concerned enough to let you know what really happened.

If it weren’t for much of the mainstream media portraying Bloomberg as a shrewd media manipulator, much of the American public might just take him for a tool.  His campaign videos and social media are often an embarrassing attempt to seem edgy or hip. He would probably be better off just giving money directly to voters for their support instead of trying to persuade them with media ads.

Following similar media uproar over the Speaker Pelosi speech shredding video, it seems pretty clear that the only deceptive parties in both cases are the mainstream media outlets that have worked overtime to mislead the American public into believing they’re being assaulted with deceptive videos.  In the dozens of pieces that have been written on these videos, none have produced any evidence that large swaths of the public are being misled. In fact, most of the public comments and tweets on these stories seem to dispute the media’s contention. Attempting to give weight to their narrative, the MSM rollout experts instead of relying on evidence.  But you don’t have to be an expert or former CIA to know these videos aren’t intended to be interpreted literally, and you don’t have to be an expert to know that these journalists are handing you a con job. 

Under Bloomberg and Bernie health plans, first two stents are free

It was a rare moment of harmony in a Democratic debate marked by heated disagreements and a head-spinning array of zingers and takedowns.  Two of the combatants, Democratic frontrunner Bernie Sanders and billionaire challenger Michael Bloomberg, bonded over each having two stents placed in their hearts.  

“I think one area maybe Mayor Bloomberg and I share, you have two stents as well,” said Senator Sanders, gesturing to Mayor Bloomberg who appeared to affirm.  

Sanders deftly utilized the moment of goodwill to launch into a description of his healthcare proposal.  “Under my plan, you get two stents,” said Senator Sanders, holding up two fingers. “You get two stents on the house, then you’re on the hook ten percent for each additional stent.”

Not to be outdone, Senator Elizabeth Warren piped in, “I have two stents also,” she asserted to stunned moderators.  “Yeah, that’s right, I had them put in while my son was away at public school.”

“Under my plan,” Senator Warren continued, “Billionaire’s are allowed to keep their first two stents free and clear, but we’ll remove each additional stent and give it to someone in need.”

The debate hall erupted in cheers while Mayor Bloomberg appeared to grab his chest in a gesture that registered somewhere between relief and panic.

Increasing calls for New York to regulate sex cults

With the recent arrest of Lawrence Ray, leader of a sex cult that traced its origins back to a dorm at Sarah Lawrence College, parents and officials in the State of New York are calling upon lawmakers to regulate the state’s burgeoning sex cult industry.

“We’ve gotta get our arms around this thing,” said one state senator, “it’s like the wild west out there.  These self-help, sex cults are springing up right and left and hardly anyone’s paying a damn bit of attention.”

The latest revelations come just months after Keith Raniere, leader of the Albany, New York based Nxivm sex cult, was convicted last June on multiple counts of racketeering, forced labor and sex trafficking.

“What you have here with the Cult of Larry is a situation where just about anybody with a smartphone can start a cult these days,” said Det. Jim Gordan of the Westchester Police Department.  “You set up an account on one of these apps like CultFindr or Gulliblr, and within minutes you can find cults in your area, or you can start your own cult and have some highly suggestible submissive doing your laundry, running errands, draining their bank account, or turning tricks.  The app will facilitate all financial transactions, including bypassing the members bank account and depositing all earnings directly into the cult leader’s account.”  

“This isn’t your grandparents hippie free-love cult or utopian back-to-the-earth commune,” said the senator.  “Those guys spent years attracting potential members and grooming them. Now, you just log in and take your pick.  We need training and certification for anyone wanting to start one of these cults, and we need a mandatory 72 hour waiting period for anyone wishing to join, during which the potential member will receive education and counselling.” 

Some question whether the Lawrence Ray example even fits the definition of a cult.  According to Dr. Marion Culpepper of the State University of New York, “Highly persuasive, manipulative people are everywhere.  Pimps have been around for centuries. Only when a group of privileged, east-coast undergrads at one of the most elite colleges in the country gets sucked in by a two-bit hustler does it suddenly become a cult.”