Utah investigators believe aliens obtained monolith materials from local hardware

Investigators in Utah are interviewing employees of local hardware stores in an attempt to ascertain where a group of fugitive aliens purchased their monolith building materials.  The aliens are being sought in connection with the discovery of a large silver monolith in a remote and protected area of the Utah desert.

“The components of the monolith do not appear to be otherworldly, as far as we can tell.  The sheet metal and rivets bear similarities to what one might find at any hardware or building supply store.  That is why we need to speak with store employees to find out whether they encountered these alien interlopers,” said an investigator with the Utah Department of Public Safety.

Interviews with store clerks have generated few leads and nothing promising, so far.  Investigators are also looking into whether the aliens may closely resemble earthlings. 

“We are not excluding the possibility that building materials of their world are identical in nature to Earth’s, and that they could have brought their own.  However, due to the constraints of interstellar space travel, we think it’s likely they acquired their monolith materials here on earth.  We’re also looking into the possibility that they may have outsourced the fabrication of the monolith to somewhere in the United States or China, and simply took delivery of the object once they arrived in our world,” said the investigator.

A store clerk at a Home Depot not far from the monolith site acknowledged that he’d been interviewed by investigators.

“Yeah, they asked me if I noticed any suspicious activity at the store, like someone speaking an unfamiliar language or trying to pass some strange currency.  I told them I seen a dude who spot on resembled Ace Frehley of KISS.  I don’t know, that might be something,” said the clerk. 

Utah authorities want to speak to the aliens that erected monolith

Utah Department of Public Safety officials are asking anyone with information about the aliens that erected a large silver monolith in a remote part of the desert to please come forward.

“We’re asking anyone who may have seen a saucer shaped object in the area to please contact us. No tip is too insignificant. Maybe you noticed some special markings, perhaps you got a license plate. Whatever the case may be, if you saw an alien spacecraft or some weird looking space dudes acting suspicious, then we want to hear from you. Don’t think, well those probably weren’t the alien dudes they’re looking for. Let us decide that,” said a department spokesperson.

Whoever or whatever installed the monolith damaged the land by cutting into the rock in which it rests. Authorities are not disclosing the exact location of the monolith, fearing a curious public who may do further damage to the land, or possibly destroy Native American artifacts nearby.      

“A word of warning to the alien offenders, the area where the monolith was constructed is federal land and is protected by the Bureau of Land Management,” said the spokesperson. “I don’t care what planet or galaxy you’re from, you’ve violated the law of the United States of America, and you haven’t tasted justice until you’ve tasted American justice. A nice comfy cell in the federal pokey awaits you, and let me tell ya, them boys in the pen know how to take care of little green men.”

Facing irrelevance and unemployment, resistance media to pursue a “What if Trump had won?” project called Man on the High Escalator

Now that a Trump coup in January seems unlikely, some members of the media are scrambling to figure out what they’re going to do for the next four years.  Journalists and commentators at HuffPost, Buzzfeed, Vox and MSNBC face the very real threat of extinction now that they’ve defeated fascism with their panicked reporting and merciless tweeting. 

But what if they didn’t topple the dictator?  What if in some parallel reality Trump prevailed and the United States is still suffering under the capricious dictates of a ruthless authoritarian?  That’s the premise of a new television series being shopped around by a group of intrepid journos who are currently out of things to lose their shit over.

“Man on the High Escalator should allow us to continue cashing in on Trump hysteria for years to come,” said one reporter connected to the project.  “It’s pretty much going to be nap time at the White House for the foreseeable future.  Anyway, criticizing Biden will get your Twitter account locked, as we’ve seen with the New York Post.  So Man on the High Escalator gives us a creative outlet to continue to cultivate a high level of Trump induced anxiety.” 

The story will focus on a band of scrappy resistance journalists, forced by a repressive Trump regime to confine their words and reporting to widely viewed social media platforms, popular cable news television programs and freely available digital media websites.  Their stories will shine a light of truth on the Trump administration’s brutal authoritarian crackdown against any whiff of dissent, including the arrest of demonstrators who are often detained for hours and released without charges. 

Fighting fascism can be a lonely business.  Especially when your movement can rely only on the support of former Democratic establishment officials in exile, a number of the world’s largest and most powerful tech companies, and many current and former senior officials of the national security state.  Yet somehow these meagre few heroes of the underground take up the fight day after day and aim their Twitter fury at the heart of the tyrant. 

Look for Man on the High Escalator, coming soon to a streaming service near you.

Retailers add Looting Tuesday to list of holiday shopping days

Black Friday, Cyber Monday and Small Business Saturday are just a few of the annual holiday shopping days Americans have come to know and love.  In the spirit of 2020, retailers have decided to add Looting Tuesday to the list of days when consumers can expect exceptional holiday savings.

For one night only this holiday season, some of the country’s largest retailers will make their locations available for looting and plundering.  “We wanted to do something fun this year.  2020 hasn’t been easy for anyone, so here’s a chance for everybody to blow off a little steam before the holidays,” said Buck Simmons, president of the American Retailers Association. 

Holiday consumers are expected to take advantage of a multitude of door-busting, window-smashing great deals.  An evening of epic plunder is anticipated by one and all.  Just remember, as with any promoted shopping day, be sure to get there early to get the steals and deals. 

“We want to keep the process as orderly as possible, so arrive early and reserve your place in line.  The looting is expected to commence at 10:00 pm and go until 1:00 am.  Shopping carts will not be available.  It’s all smash and carry.  Whatever you can haul off in an armload,” said Dan Reynolds, Director of Operations for Bunch of Stuff Stores.

If you pre-register on the store’s website, many participating locations are offering to email or text holiday looters security camera footage of their night of pillaging to commemorate this year’s Looting Tuesday experience.   

Buck Simmons offered one more word of advice for those who go, “Remember, everybody, be kind, be safe, and have a rootin’ tootin’ Lootin’ Tuesday.” 

Blue Ribbon Labs boasts its vaccine is 110% effective in preventing COVID-19

Shit’s getting real in the vaccine wars.  Blue Ribbon Labs today revealed data from clinical trials showed its experimental vaccine was 110% effective in preventing COVID-19.  The news comes just days after Pfizer and Moderna announced the efficacy of their vaccines to be 90% and 95% respectively.  

“We couldn’t be more pleased with the outcome of these clinical trials,” said company president Dr. Winston O’Boogie.  “Here at Blue Ribbon Labs we’ve never settled for anything less than 110% in everything we do.  It’s fine for the other guys if their vaccine is 90 or 95% effective, but ours goes up to 110.  Come to us if you want that extra level of protection.” 

So far, the response from the medical community has been mixed with some experts questioning how any vaccine could be 110% effective.  

“Our vaccine creates an eight inch radioactive field of defense around the individual, preventing the virus from ever coming into contact with a potential host,” said Benny Lam, head researcher on the project.  “Should a COVID virus attempt to breach the protective field, it is immediately vaporized on contact.  In addition to protecting the entire individual, with our vaccine you’re getting an added 10% halo of protection.  That’s extra peace of mind you can’t put a price on.” 

Company officials downplayed rumors of severe side effects, assuring the public the vaccine is completely safe.

“Some participants have shown symptoms of radiation poisoning, and a few have succumbed to acute organ failure,” said O’Boogie.  “But listen, everyone, O’Boogie never lies, this vaccine is 110% safe.  I would even take it myself, except that I already have a very robust immune system and don’t require 110 protection.  Honestly, I could probably get by with only 40 or 50.”

Alex Acosta takes ‘poor judgement’ victory lap over handling of Epstein prosecution

Former Labor Secretary and Florida federal prosecutor, Alex Acosta, released a statement today celebrating a Justice Department Office of Professional Responsibility report detailing his ‘poor judgement’ in the handling of the investigation into child sex abuser Jeffrey Epstein.

In the statement, Acosta claimed vindication by the report’s findings because it failed to conclude that he committed professional misconduct. 

“‘Poor judgement.’  Are there two sweeter sounding words in the English language?” Acosta crowed.  “I welcome their application to me on my handling of this case.  This is a victory for all prosecutors who have ever intervened on behalf of a wealthy and influential perpetrator and secured for them the deal of a lifetime.  From this day forward, let ‘poor judgement’ guide our efforts as we seek to subvert justice on behalf of the rich and powerful.” 

Acosta delivered a scathing rebuke of fellow prosecutors who tried to broaden the investigation and root out additional criminality. 

“‘Willful blindness’ can also be a very effective tool when piecing together a ‘poor judgement’ prosecution.  Ignore the advice of subordinates (I’m looking at you Villafana) who might try to improve your understanding and thereby influence your judgement in a positive way.”

Facing a mountain of criticism from defense attorneys, journalists and the public, Acosta attempted, once and for all, to put the conspiracy speculation to rest.

“To all the critics and conspiracy theorists out there, let’s get one thing straight.  History is replete with men who are called upon to deliver head-scratching incompetence at just the right moment to ensure that other powerful men avoid justice.  That doesn’t mean that a bunch of lawyers conspired to cut a rich guy a sweetheart deal.  It just means that the job required a special kind of pathetic ignoramus with impeccable timing to exercise ‘poor judgement’ in service of supremely important and well-connected individuals.  And if you happen to advance your career and wind up with a coveted presidential cabinet position in spite of your irresponsible stupidity, well that just means somebody saw something special in you.” 

Steve Kornacki spotted forecasting at a Starbucks drive-thru menu board

Since the 2020 presidential election was called for Joe Biden on Saturday, Steve Kornacki’s fortunes have sunk like a stone.  No longer needed to man the electoral college big board for MSNBC, Kornacki was recently spotted holding forth in a New Jersey Starbucks drive-thru.  Witnesses report the popular cable news prognosticator was pointing and gesturing excitedly at the drive-thru menu board for patrons as they waited in line to place orders.

“He was waving his arms around wildly and manically explaining how the vanilla latte was maintaining a slight advantage over the white chocolate mocha.  At times he seemed to pause and cup his ear as if someone were speaking to him through an earpiece, but I didn’t see anything,” said one Starbucks drive-thru customer.

“After I gave my order, he pointed to it on the screen and said, ‘See Honda Odyssey’s are breaking big-time for Caramel Macchiatos.  We’ve been seeing it all night.  Every time these results come in from a Honda, it’s Macchiato over and over again,’” one woman reported.

“Yeah, he was scribbling notes.  Then he’d clutch his hair like he was thinking really hard.  Then he’d start writing down numbers next to the items on the menu board.  His eyes looked really wild and there were about a half dozen empty Starbucks cups at his feet.  I mean, the guy was all hopped up on math and caffeine.  I was worried about him,” said an unidentified male.

A Starbucks employee later found Kornacki passed out next to the dumpster.  He was taken to a local hospital where he’s recovering from exhaustion, dehydration and temporary arithmetic psychosis.

Denmark approves mandatory mink mask rule

Responding to explosive growth in coronavirus cases among its mink population, Denmark today approved measures mandating masks for minks.  The measures come after the Danish government rejected a plan to cull the country’s entire mink population.

A disappointed Danish prime minister, Mette Frederiksen, reluctantly agreed to the new recommendations.  “Well, if we’re unable to march millions of minks to their death, then I guess masks are the next best thing.”

The controversial mink mask mandate is revealing deep divisions within the Danish population between those who support the mask mandate and those who would prefer a mink massacre.  In Copenhagen over the weekend, demonstrators carried signs and chanted, “hey, hey, ho, ho, those Covid coats have got to go.”  

Concerned Danish officials worry that a mink mask mandate immediately introduces a series of daunting challenges.  “We simply do not have the infrastructure in place to produce 15 million masks for minks,” said Frederiksen.  “We are currently in talks with China to produce the masks as quickly as possible, but we must remember, no has ever engineered a mink mask before.  We’re totally starting from scratch here.”  

Minks are also urged to maintain a two foot separation from one another.  The recommendations come after researchers discovered minks are incapable of projecting viral droplets more than two feet.   

Meanwhile in Sweden, there seems to be no indecision regarding what to do with its mink population.  “We’re just going to kill them,” said Benny Andersson, CEO of a Swedish animal rights group.  “Other than breeding stock, it’s killing season for minks anyway.  We look at it as hastening herd immunity.”

The calls are coming from inside the galaxy

Scientists in the United States and Canada are zeroing in on the source of some recently detected fast radio bursts emanating from outer space.  Until recently, all of these signals, which some have characterized as possible alien communications, were thought to have originated from indeterminate sources somewhere in the vast universe.  Now, however, scientists may have pinpointed the origin of at least some of the fast radio bursts, and the source is much closer than previously assumed.

“The calls are coming from inside the galaxy,” said Christopher Bochenek, a Caltech radio astronomer.  “We traced the bursts back to magnetars inside our galaxy.  Magnetars are basically powerful transmitters capable of projecting radio bursts millions of light years.  Fortunately, I was able to capture some of these transmissions with my homemade receiver.”

According to Bochenek, detecting radio bursts does not require pointing the latest high tech equipment at the stars.  “My antenna was constructed from a couple of my mom’s old cake pans, a busted tailpipe I found along the freeway, and some six pound test fishing line.”

Thus far, the communications have been a little unnerving.  “Initially, we’d get some radio bursts coming in, but as soon as I switched on my equipment, they’d hang up,” said Bochenek.  “Of course, it wasn’t long after that when the heavy breathing started.  Let me tell you something about alien heavy breathing, it’s pretty fucking weird.  Darth Vader’s huffing and puffing is tame by comparison.”  

Recently, sophisticated AI has been utilized to decipher the communications.  “We’ve had some success deploying AI to translate the fast radio bursts into human language.  The results have been somewhat unsettling.  For instance, one message translated, ‘We know what you did last millennia.’  But mostly we get requests like, ‘Can I speak to Harry Buttcrack or Ima Weiner.’  You’d like to think that we’re dealing with advanced alien intelligence here, but in all probability, we’re in communication with a being more similar to a human adolescent male,” said Bochenek.  “Still, I’ll keep pointing my cake pans at the sky until I find someone or something worth talking to.”         

Trump, Biden campaigns call on Kanye West to concede

Spokespersons for both the Donald Trump and Joe Biden campaigns issued statements today calling on Kanye West to end his 2020 presidential run. 

“At this hour, it has become apparent that the Kanye West campaign has no chance to prevail in this election.  In the interest of democracy and the peaceful transition of power, we urge Mr. West to drop out,” said a spokesperson for the Biden campaign.

Grilled by reporters, Biden addressed West’s continued presence in the presidential race.  

“Look, if you can’t decide between staying in this race or withdrawing and supporting my campaign, then you ain’t a rapper.  C’mon, man, make like an electoral college dropout and quit already.”

In a statement of their own, the Trump campaign attempted to draft West into service as they scramble to find enough votes to take the lead away from Biden.

“The Trump team congratulates Kanye West on a well-run campaign and wishes him all the best in his future endeavors.  However, we respectfully request he end his presidential bid, dust off his MAGA hat and report to the Oval Office by 0800.  We’re putting together a crackerjack crisis response team and it’s all hands on deck.”   

Behind the scenes, both the Biden and Trump camps are worried West’s continued presence in the race could draw attention away from their own efforts as the pair of nimble septuagenarians sprint to the finish in what has turned out to be a very close election.   

However, sources close to the West campaign believe their candidate still has multiple paths to victory. 

“Our path to the presidency is beginning to come into focus,” said one advisor.  “It starts in the northeast and extends down the eastern seaboard.  The northern branch then veers off through the upper midwest and meanders like a wagon train across the northern great plains and into the pacific northwest.  The southern branch winds through the deep south and burns like a brush fire across Texas and the desert southwest, finally concluding in southern California.  As the mail-in ballots continue to be counted, the electoral map will reveal our path to victory and it will spell YEEZY.”