The question of whether President Trump is some kind of Manchurian Candidate subject to Russian mind control has long been a subject of speculation among some Americans. Well Thursday night the whole country got their answer. Under hypnosis President Trump momentarily escaped his programming long enough to issue a brief statement. Unfortunately, his freedom from Russian brainwashing was short lived. Reportedly, thinking about a particular incident that occurred in a Moscow hotel room back in 2013 is the trigger that redirects his mind back under Russian control. Apparently, the memory of that golden moment imprints itself on his psyche on average about every 28 seconds. However, in the brief period of time he was free to be Donald T, he issued the following statement:
“My fellow Americans, during my first trip to Russian back in the 1980s, I was subjected to KGB mind control without my consent or awareness. With each subsequent visit, I was the victim of additional brainwashing until the programming was completed in 2013. I became what they call a Centurion Candidate. Hell, I didn’t even want to run for president. Anyway, I’m here to tell you the Real Donald Trump is not the real Donald Trump and I want to set the record straight.
“To all the women I made inappropriate advances or disrespectful comments to, I just want to say that’s not me. I’m actually like a very kind, stable, respectful person. Stormy, what can I say? She’s a lovely person. She’s a single mother, you know. Very difficult being single and a mother and an adult film actress. Very sweet. She reminds me of my daughter. And, Hillary, what a darling. We actually go way back. I’ve always thought of her as like the nagging mother-in-law I never had or paid attention to.
“To my homey Jim Comey, the special counsel, the Department of Justice and FBI, look if I did anything that resembled collusion or obstruction of justice, money laundering or illegal porn star payments…Michael Avenatti, you are very talented, my friend, with a great legal mind. You’ve got the gift of second sight and you’re great on television. I wish you were my attorney. Let’s do a reality show together. Remember, Mueller, it’s the programming that made me do it. I had no choice. The dossier, the golden ____________witch hunt, fake news, lies, lyin’ Jim, crooked Hillary…”
At this point he falls back under the spell of his powerful Russian handlers. Officials continue to research methods to reprogram the president and bring back the very stable genius we all know and love.