White people around the world are rejoicing at news Sinead O’Connor has decided she no longer wants “to spend time with white people again…Not for one moment, for any reason.”
“Hooray, our long global nightmare is over!” shouted one ecstatic white person who wishes to remain nameless. “No more calling and dropping by at all hours with her endless list of grievances and her sanctimonious crap.”
All over the streets of Whiteland there was non-stop joy and celebration as the news dropped on Tuesday.
“Oh happy day! Everything is wonderful and new again,” cried a caucasian woman enjoying her lunch break next to a hot dog stand. “This disgusting, dried up wiener tastes like the food of the gods.”
White people were spotted dancing, quite stiffly and awkwardly, on sidewalks, cars and rooftops. Others gleefully sang out of tune and played air guitar.
A small group of culture appropriating white people attempted to express their sudden euphoria through rap and beat boxing, but were quickly shut down and rounded up by authorities without incident.
Elsewhere, horrified at the prospect of a Sinead O’Connor pop-in, muslims and people of color locked their doors, took the phone off the hook, and suddenly had “this thing they had to go to.”