In a major concession, President Donald Trump has dropped his request for six billion dollars to build a border wall, opting instead to pursue an invisible fence along the country’s southern border with Mexico. He outlined his proposal in an address to the nation Tuesday night.
“My fellow Americans, I am tonight withdrawing my funding request to build a big beautiful wall along our southern border. I’ve been consulting with my advisors and we’ve determined the best course of action would be to construct an invisible fence. We talked about a wall, we considered steel slats, but eventually decided invisibility is the way to go.
“Have you seen these things? Well, of course you haven’t, they’re invisible. They’re an invisible, electric barrier people put around their yards to keep intruders out, as well as keep children and pets in. If you try to penetrate the fenceline, it zaps you. I hear they’re quite effective.
“My people tell me the fence is actually already 90% complete and will be finished soon. Best part of all, Mexico is paying for it. I’m told they’re funding it through some type of invisible money called cryptocurrency. It’s totally untraceable, Fake News, so don’t even try to check it.
“Invisible money, who knew? Next time I gotta pay off a porn star, I’m using some of that.
“So, to summarize, big beautiful invisible fence, Mexico pays for it, government reopens, I win. You’re welcome, America and Dems.”
Administration sources confirm the fence to be a hoax perpetrated on the president for the purpose of pacifying the man whose daily tantrums are making the White House staff miserable. “That’s right, it’s bullshit. Let him declare victory and move on,” said one exasperated senior aide.
A trip to inspect the invisible border fence is planned for an upcoming date. Officials are worried the president may try to test the nonexistent fence as he is prone to behavior like staring at eclipses, sticking his finger in light sockets, and touching hot plates when warned not to.