Howard Schultz can’t stop not complaining about being bullied

Howard Schultz, the former Starbucks CEO flirting with a presidential run as an independent candidate, can’t seem to stop not complaining about all the media attention he’s currently getting.  After all, the last thing an aspiring presidential candidate wants is a lot of public focus and free publicity from the American press corps. Just ask Donald Trump.

Enter The Daily Beast’s Sarada Peri with her insightful opinion piece entitled, “Powerful Men Can’t Stop Complaining That They’re Being Bullied”.  With a title like that, I couldn’t wait to read about the many instances of this entitled billionaire wallowing in self pity over the treatment he’s receiving from political pundits.  After all, Schultz is running for president, so he needs to man up and stop whining.

Peri wastes no time pinning Schultz to the wall as a serial grumbler, “And though he himself would never complain – at least not explicitly – others will say he has to put up with people trying to ‘bully’ him out of even running for president.”  How diabolical of this man. He has a whole platoon of surrogates whining on his behalf, like baristas dispensing venti sized servings of grievances.

But Peri is not done throwing Schultz’s non-complaints back at him.  She continues by giving the privileged billionaire a little friendly advice on what a prospective presidential candidate can expect from the press.  “But if he feels this harassed by requests to explain himself more fully, then he is in for a rude awakening.” Admittedly, my short term memory isn’t what it used to be, so I attempted to backtrack to the part where Peri quotes or paraphrases the Powerful Man Schultz complaining about the level of harassment he’s received.  However, finding nothing, I’m forced to conclude there must have been some error in the editorial process, or perhaps Peri’s short term memory is a little compromised as well.

Anyway, Peri’s last at bat knocks it out of the park, exposing the sorry CEO as a serial complainer with a persecution complex.  “But if Schultz himself truly believes that he’s being persecuted, then it would be best for him to take his ball and go home early.”  Reader, I must apologize. I was unable to locate where Peri quoted Schultz or cited a television appearance of the slippery CEO whining about being persecuted.  Also, what’s up with the “But ifs”? Can there be any question that this billionaire feels harassed and persecuted?

Perhaps I’m not giving the piece a careful enough reading, or I’m misunderestimating Peri’s ability as a journalist to read her subject’s intent and Powerful Man body language.  If there is one thing we learned from the MAGA teen incident, it is that many of today’s journalists are uncannily adept at reading facial cues and interpreting them for the semi-literate masses.  The rest of us rude mechanicals are simply too literal minded and incapable of peering into a man’s true nature when his words refuse to betray him. But if Peri truly believes she is able to remotely mind meld with a Powerful Man and extract unspoken thoughts from his big selfish brain, then who am I to doubt her special powers. 

Sorry, Schultz, they’re onto your game.  If you can’t stand the heat, pick up your ball and go home early.

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