Category: Mostly bullshit

Pete Buttigieg powers past Pete Davidson to become most popular Pete

Riding a wave of public interest in his campaign for the 2020 Democratic Presidential nomination, South Bend Mayor, Pete Buttigieg, recently surpassed Pete Davidson as most popular Pete.  Davidson previously held the top Pete position for 88 straight weeks with Dinklage, Frampton and Pan rounding out the top five.

Davidson dominated the most popular Pete category thanks in no small part to his highly publicized relationships with such celebrities as Ariana Grande and Kate Beckinsale.  No one is entirely certain what Pete Davidson does other than date famous women and appear on late night talk shows. Davidson’s connections to such famous individuals makes the ascendency of a midwestern mayor to top of the Petes even more improbable.

Many point to Mayor Pete’s inclusive, laid back politics and his marriage to former middle school teacher, Chasten Glezman, as the primary drivers of the mayor’s popularity.

“Pete picked a perfect partner for promoting his policies and presidential aspirations,” adds Pete’s publicist.  “Pete’s politics range from progressive to pragmatic, and his pointed attacks on the President and VP Pence have put him in an ideal position heading into the presidential primaries.”

Asked to comment on his slip to number two, Davidson only responded that he’s working on learning several new languages and considering dating a middle school teacher.

Peter Piper, the all-time record holder for number of weeks as most popular Pete, could not be reached for comment.

Michael Avenatti trades 15 minutes of fame for 15 years

Former Stormy Daniels attorney, Michael Avenatti, concluded his once meteoric rise to cable news superstardom today with a rather abrupt and uneventful collision with a pair of handcuffs.  The former darling of CNN and MSNBC was arrested on charges of extortion and bank and wire fraud.

Avenatti’s star, which had once shone so brightly in the cable news night sky, began its descent to earth when domestic abuse charges were leveled at him, and went into freefall when his famous client, Stormy Daniels, dropped him as her attorney.  It was at this time that scientists began tracking the burned out remains of his celebrity meteor as a near earth object with the potential to impact our planet at any moment. That moment arrived today with his arrest in New York.

Cable news networks and internet media outlets have been quick to distance themselves from the now disgraced attorney who they once floated as a potential 2020 presidential candidate.  Working with highly sensitive measuring devices, scientists detected evidence that the internet shrunk by .02367 percent today as media outlets scrubbed potentially embarrassing stories and videos lauding Avenatti from their websites and social media.  

At the White House this afternoon, President Trump, who was already walking on air after the Mueller report seemed to exonerate him of any wrongdoing, was spotted sashaying around the White House Rose Garden, singing to the birds and occasionally pausing to smell the flowers.  The normally dour Trump even cracked a smile as a robin nested and laid her spring eggs in his intricately woven mesh of golden hair which held its shape exquisitely. Trump was quoted as saying, “I didn’t even have to use my hair spray, I got to say it was a good day.”

Andrew Yang melts down at SXSW Q&A as young man asks if he can collect UBI in reefer

It seems people still have a lot of questions about Democratic Presidential candidate Andrew Yang’s Universal Basic Income proposal.  Under the plan, the federal government would give $1000 a month free and clear to every American over 18 regardless of income.

At least one young Austin resident attending the SXSW Festival was a little fuzzy on the details of the plan:  “I have a question, Mr. once and future President Yang. Like, in my current situation I’m usually able to trade reefer for stuff like food or cash, but I can’t always trade cash for reefer.  Under your UBI plan, how would you address the hardships someone like me faces?”

“I don’t understand.  Are you asking me if you can collect your UBI in reefer payments?”

“Yeah, check it, bro,” the young man continued.  “If I were to collect $1000 dollars worth of cannabis every month from the government free and clear, the earning potential I could unleash from that package of weed would be nearly limitless.”

“You’re just going to end up smoking it all yourself, aren’t you?”  

“Probably.  I mean c’mon, bro, unlock my human potential.  What’s that old saying? Give a man a thousand dollars and he’ll eat for a month.  Give a man a pound of weed and he’ll eat for a lifetime.”

“I don’t think that’s how that expression goes.”  said Yang growing visibly irritated. “Jesus, I offer you a $1000 a month for doing nothing, but that’s not good enough.  ‘No, I want to get paid in weed.’ It’s no wonder the robots are coming to replace you. It’s not a tall order. Reefer vending machines are already widely in use.  A self-driving, reefer-dispensing vehicle is coming to a corner near you. Someday reefer drones are going to rain doobies down from the sky, so your time is up, BRO!”

Senator Feinstein declines opportunity to save humanity

Confronted by a plucky group of young environmental activists, Senator Dianne Feinstein of California not-so-politely passed on the children’s proposal to save humanity from annihilation by global warming.  The youngsters, who represent a group called the Sunrise Movement, were summarily dismissed after Feinstein told them she doesn’t respond to “it’s my way or the highway.”

The children seemed slightly dazed after the encounter, complaining, “All we were looking to do was come down here on our lunch hour and save mankind.  But apparently some folks are more interested in watching the forests burn and the seas boil.”

In preparation for the confrontation, the children carefully combed through hundreds of plans and proposals to curb global warming, finally settling on the Green New Deal drafted by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Rep. Ed Markey.  “After much study and deliberation, we decided to endorse the Green New Deal plan and present it to Senator Feinstein,” said the group’s twelve year old spokesperson. “We vetted the shit out of this plan, and we weren’t put up to it by any adults.”

“That’s right,” said an adult who happened to accompany them.  “They’re a grass roots group of concerned young people. I saw them standing along the highway, looking for a ride to the Capitol so they could save the planet from being incinerated by the sun.  Hop on in, I says.”

Critics of the Senator have been quick to jump to the children’s defense, arguing that anytime a group of kids presents a demand, as adults we have a duty to accept it without question.  Said the group’s spokesperson, “I appeal to the grandmother in Senator Feinstein and ask her what happened to the days when we spoiled our children and indulged their every whim? After all, we kids put a lot of work into picking out this proposal and deserve an excessive amount of praise, and perhaps a trip to the ice cream store.”

“It’s no use,” lamented one of the group’s members, “without the Green New Deal, ice cream will become a thing of the past.  Better get used to it.”

“Green New Deal me in,” tweets man from his sweat stained La-Z-Boy

From his malodorous, perspiration stained recliner, Jerry Osborn took to twitter today to announce his full-throated support for Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal proposal.

“Green New Deal me in, AOC,” tweeted Mr. Osborn.  “I’m also grateful that someone is finally recognizing the rights of those unwilling to work.”

Mr. Osborn is referring to language in the proposal that promises “economic security for all who are unable or unwilling to work.”

Interviewed at his home, Mr. Osborn recounted how he’d first learned of the proposal.  “I was reclining in my La-Z-Boy with the television on, which is pretty much what I’m always doing.  I was hazily drifting in and out of a queso induced stupor. I’d been mixing crackers and an assortment of soft cheeses with tortilla chips and queso dip, washing it down with red pop, when I heard a voice describe a proposal granting economic security for those unwilling to work.  It must have taken a while for the sounds to navigate the network of sluggish neurons in my brain, because by the time I regained consciousness and the meaning dawned on me, the news was over and we were already twenty minutes into Wheel of Fortune.”

Mr. Osborn’s “Green New Deal me in” tweet has been liked and shared by hundreds of thousands, and has even led to a job offer to join the AOC staff as a social media consultant.  However, Mr. Osborn isn’t going anywhere just yet. “Sorry, AOC, you’ll have to Green New Deal me out on that one.”

Billionaires abolished. Trillionaire Uncle Sam exempt.

Increasingly, members of Congress support measures to abolish America’s billionaires.  Tough cookies if you happen to be a Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, or Warren Buffet. However, Uncle Sam, America’s only trillionaire, stands to reap an enormous windfall if such measures were to be enacted.

In his piece for the New York Times, Farhad Manjoo discusses how a proposal might take shape.  “Billionaire abolishment could take many forms. It could mean preventing people from keeping more than a billion in booty, but more likely it would mean higher marginal taxes on income, wealth and estates for billionaires and people on the way to becoming billionaires.”

Reached for comment on his yacht vacationing in the Arabian Sea, Uncle Sam was unable to restrain his enthusiasm, “More booty, hell yeah!  How does everybody feel about more booty?” Deafening cheers amidst the rhythmic thump of loud music could be heard through the phone connection.

The call to abolish billionaires originates from the idea that having a billion dollars is immoral, and a system that creates billionaires is inherently corrupt.  Manjoo illustrates this point, “At some level of extreme wealth, money inevitably corrupts. On the left and the right, it buys political power, it silences dissent, it serves primarily to perpetuate ever-greater wealth, often unrelated to any reciprocal social good….that level is self-evidently somewhere around one billion dollars; beyond that, you’re irredeemable.”

While Uncle Sam generally agrees with Manjoo’s point, he takes exception with the last part, “I believe one can be redeemed at the level of a trillion dollars.  Once you’re at the level of a trillion, money ceases to have a corrupting influence. You take very seriously the extreme wealth the American people have imparted on you, and you don’t squander it on buying political power, silencing dissent, or trivialities unrelated to the social good.  Now, if you’ll excuse me for one moment, the Royal Saudi Air Force is about to conduct exercises using shiny new American made fighter jets.”

According to polls, an overwhelming majority of Americans, both Democrat and Republican, favor proposals that would tax the rich.  Expanding healthcare is a top priority of many members of Congress.

As the Trillionaire in Chief, Uncle Sam takes the public’s trust very seriously.  Speaking from the deck of his luxury yacht, “Healthcare, closing the wealth gap, lifting people out of poverty, everybody knows I’m one hundred percent committed to reducing inequality…Hey, baby doll, go fetch your Uncle Sam another drink, would you?….Oh yeah, gender equity, we’re going to cover all that.”  

The question remains, what to do with the 2500 or so abolished American billionaires?  “I think I’ve got that one figured out,” says Uncle Sam. “We’ll banish them to an island in the Pacific – a sort of, Island of Misfit Billionaires, if you will.  We’ll make them quite comfortable there.”