Category: Mostly bullshit

Billions come forward alleging non-consensual relationship with McDonald’s

In what’s being described as a McMe Too moment, billions of diners have come forward detailing years of gastro-intestinal abuse at the hands of fast-food giant McDonald’s. 

News of the removal of McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook over an alleged consensual relationship with an employee has prompted a flood of complaints against the fast-food company.  Most detail an ongoing pattern of dietary abuse by McDonald’s Corporation and its subsidiaries toward unsuspecting patrons. 

“We would usually meet up in the mornings before work,” described one victim who wishes to keep their identity private.  “I tried to break it off several times but they keep luring you back.”

Most of the complaints describe a persistent and systematic pattern of harassment where the individual is targeted in their home through the television or over the internet.  “They don’t take no for an answer. They even get you in your car. I see one of those billboards, and the next thing I know, I’m in the drive-thru lane ordering a McRib,” said one man.  

Scientific studies seem to lend credence to consumer complaints.  One study found that just the sight of the iconic golden arches caused low-level activation of salivary glands in 72 percent of subjects tested.  Traffic studies have shown that 23 percent of motorists passing a McDonald’s will turn in and patronize the establishment.

Stories of extreme gastro-intestinal distress are not uncommon.  “I spend about half an hour in the bathroom everyday after lunch,” offered one man without prompting.  

“The introduction of a Big Mac into the digestive tract appears to cause alarming levels of instability,” offered nutrition expert Dr. Sheila Birdsong.  “Let’s not mince words here, the results can be literally explosive. The GI tract’s response to the presence of a Big Mac is to expel it as soon as humanly possible.  This can result in a number of undesired outcomes that can range from dehydration to public humiliation to lost time at work.”      

Employer’s estimate they lose hundreds of billions of dollars due to lost productivity caused by frequent employee bathroom breaks, and many are pointing at McDonald’s as the source of the problem.  Some have even threatened legal action to end McDonald’s predatory practices.

Cubs embark on ambitious 100 year plan to bring World Series title back to Chicago

Following the dismissal of Joe Maddon last month and this week’s hiring of new skipper David Ross, the Chicago Cubs have positioned themselves brilliantly for a run at a World Series title in 2119.

In Monday’s presser, Ross stressed accountability in his new role, impressing fans and building confidence that the wait to bring an MLB title back to the northside would last no more than a century.  “Today we begin laying the groundwork that will serve as the foundation for what this organization does a decade from now, which in turn will provide the infrastructure for future decades of construction, culminating in a world championship sometime long after I’ve passed.”

Cubs president Theo Epstein seemed to echo those sentiments.  “They say ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day.’ They say the pyramids of Egypt took decades to build and the Great Wall of China took centuries.  Someday they’ll say the same about the Cubs quest for a title. Wait a minute, I’m being told that story has already been written. Well, folks, get ready for the sequel.”

Some reporters questioned Epstein’s decision to let Maddon go.  In response, Epstein explained, “Look, Joe was the perfect manager for the perfect time.  But we want to look forward to a new time. The 2100s are going to require fresh thinking and a new approach.  I just don’t think Joe’s going to be up to it. Plus, he probably won’t be with us anymore.”

Regardless, after Monday’s announcement, a new spirit of hope and optimism seems to have pervaded the northside, built upon a recognition that a World Series title might now only be several generations away. 

Fortnite powers down. Millions of boys reunited with loved ones.

Parents and siblings are rejoicing today after reuniting with missing family members thought lost forever.  The popular video game Fortnite powered down Sunday leaving only a black hole visible on the screen and millions of players confused and unable to log in.

John and Patty Perkins were seated at their kitchen table finishing dinner Sunday when the basement door opened and their dazed thirteen year old son appeared in the doorway.  “Mom, Dad, it’s me, Dylan,” he announced as Patty rushed to embrace her son.

“We never lost hope.  We always knew you were out there somewhere and would come back to us.  Come, let me fix you a plate,” Patty said seating Dylan at the family table, the boy’s arms extending four inches beyond the ends of his shirt sleeves.

Not everyone was greeted with hugs and tears of joy, however.  “When I came down from my attic, there was another family living in our house,” said a shaken Justin Cartwright.  “If anyone knows where Bill and Diane Cartwright have relocated, please let me know.”  

After the official Fortnite Twitter account tweeted out “This is The End,” stunned players around the globe began the process of reintegrating back into society.  Some are finding it difficult to adjust to a world that has changed drastically in the last few years. 

“Our son has missed a lot of school,” said one father.  “He doesn’t know how to drive a car and he’s distraught over missing the end of Game of Thrones.  Right now, we’re just taking it one day at a time.”

Over 200 captains sign letter to Congress in support of Captain Kangaroo

A letter containing the signatures of over 200 captains was submitted to Congress today in support of their colleague Captain Kangaroo.  The letter expressed profound disappointment over remarks made by Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz in which he characterized the beloved children’s show host as presiding over kangaroo courts.  The letter read in part:

“We are deeply saddened that a Member of Congress would so carelessly and callously disrespect the name and rank of an honorable American to make a political point.  We call upon Representative Gaetz to issue a public apology to Captain Kangaroo, and to clarify the record regarding the Captain’s distinguished service to our country and generations of television viewers.”

Additionally, a number of signatories shared their fond remembrances of the much loved and widely respected Captain Kangaroo.

Captain Merrill Stubing wrote:  “I was fortunate enough to attend officer’s training school with Captain Kangaroo.  A finer man I’ve never known. After his retirement, he took many a voyage with us on the Pacific Princess and he always occupied a place of honor at the Captain’s Table.  How dare Rep. Gaetz besmirch such a gracious and highly regarded man.”

Captain James T. Kirk added:  “Captains Log: It has come to my attention that a Representative of the U.S. Congress on Earth has spoken ill of my cherished friend and colleague Captain Kangaroo.  I have a good mind to transport the ill-mannered villain up here and smack that contemptuous smirk off his face.”

Captain Barney Miller added:  “When we picked up Mr. Green Jeans for public intoxication, Captain Kangaroo dropped everything to come down to the precinct and bail out his friend.  He sobered him up with some of Sgt. Yemana’s coffee, took him home and put him to bed. That’s the kind of guy Captain Kangaroo is.

Other signatories included such notables as Captain America, Captain Morgan, Captain Beefheart and Captain Sensible.  

Scientists observe quantum superposition of large molecules. Man’s dream of spending more time at the pub about to be realized.

For years, Ben Stump’s life crept along at its petty pace from day to day with little variation in routine and little hope for escaping its dreariness.  Then, suddenly, one miraculous morning, there was change. The sun shone brightly on Ben and old hopes and dreams at once came back into focus. On this morning, Ben read the news that scientists had demonstrated that giant molecules could be in two places at once.  It would be only a matter of time, Ben thought, before the miracle of quantum superpositioning would free him to do the same.

In addition to spending the evening on the sofa with the wife watching the most recent episode of The Voice, Ben could also be down at the pub, throwing back cold ones and chain smoking with his friends.  While he toiled at his unfulfilling job, he could simultaneously occupy a bar stool, eat peanuts and play scratch off tickets. Even during those monthly hook-ups with his wife, he wouldn’t have to miss one second of the football game as he would also be down at the sports bar bathed in the glow of a hundred big screen televisions.  “Oh glorious day,” Ben rejoiced!

However, in short order, dark clouds began to crowd out the sunlight that had momentarily entered Ben’s life.  He imagined himself seated on the sofa with Mrs. Stump watching Dancing With The Stars while simultaneously sitting with her in bed watching a Hallmark movie.  He couldn’t shake the thought of the pair attending church on Sunday while also spending the day antique shopping. The specter of the monthly hook-up doubled and then doubled again.  Horror stacked upon horror! Throwing away the newspaper, Ben vowed never to superposition himself again.

Add helping the elderly cross the street to the list of hate gestures

Last week saw the ‘OK’ hand gesture and ‘Bowlcut’ hairstyle added to a list of hate symbols used by far-right extremists.  Events in Hamilton, Ontario over the weekend would seem to indicate that consideration should be given to other gestures as well.  

Video posted online of an antifascist demonstration outside Mohawk College shows protesters taking a brave stand against the time-honored tradition of helping elderly people cross the street.  Masked antifascist protesters blocked a crosswalk outside the college, preventing an elderly couple from passing. Holding firm to their most deeply held antifascist convictions, the protesters shouted “Nazi scum” at the pair, one of whom was using a walker. 

“It’s been known for some time that fascists will often use kind gestures, like assisting the elderly, to signal other fascists in their midst,” said one anonymous antifascist protester.  “Of course, these practices are not just limited to helping someone cross the street. A fascist might hold the door for someone, or give up their seat on the bus to a pregnant woman. Although these gestures might seem harmless enough, make no mistake, these are symbols of hate, and if we have to inconvenience the elderly and disabled to take a stand against hate, then we’re willing to do it.”

The protests weren’t just confined to crosswalks, other antifascists blocked wheelchair ramps and pepper sprayed service dogs.  “Service dogs were big with Nazis,” said one protester clad entirely in black, an eye sporting a monocle peered over the top of his face mask as he brandished a telescoping baton.  “Fascism has many disguises,” he remarked, pointing at the elderly couple who had given up trying to cross the street and turned back.

Most of Mark Ronson’s partners admit to being sapio-averse

On a recent episode of Good Morning Britain, music producer Mark Ronson came out of the closet as a sapiosexual.  A stunned public applauded the hitmaker for his bravery, and for bringing awareness to a sexual identity relatively unknown to most.  Apparently, sapiosexuality was also unknown to Ronson who learned of it mere moments before his announcement.  

A sapiosexual is a person sexually attracted to intelligence and the human mind.  The sapiosexual will often prefer intellect over other characteristics like gender or physical beauty.  Fortunately for Ronson, the brains he desires often come wrapped in the bodies of French models or other gorgeous women.  

Most of Ronson’s former partners admit to being a bit shocked by the announcement.  “I like to think I have pretty good sapio-radar,” said one former girlfriend, “but I never would have guessed Mark is sapio.  Although, I did once catch him pleasuring himself to a Journal of Astronomy and Astrophysics.”

The attraction wasn’t entirely mutual for many of Ronson’s former lovers.  “When it comes to Mark, I have to admit to being a bit sapio-averse. I mean, come on, the music isn’t exactly Bach or Beethoven.  He has a good ear for pop songs, but beyond that he’s a bit dense.”