Category: Mostly bullshit

Stuck at home, man explores strange new sedentary realms

After struggling for weeks to adjust to the new government mandated stay-at-home routine, Ray Harris can finally report he’s achieved a near perfect state of blissful inactivity.  Accustomed to “hitting the ground running” everyday, Ray initially bristled at the idea of being “cooped up” 24/7. After all, his friends called him Free Bird, and everybody knows “this bird you cannot change.”   

But Ray eventually did change, and, as he’d heard good things, decided to see what this Netflix business was all about.  Soon, however, the act of scrolling and searching for new programs to watch seemed like a lot of unnecessary effort. Reading and turning the pages of books became a tedious exercise.  Even following the superficial disputes between guests of daytime talk shows required way more brain power than Ray was willing to expend. At that moment, Ray made up his mind to embrace idleness in a manner never before thought humanly possible.   

One day, Ray acquainted himself with an ant that had somehow, improbably, found its way to his upper story bathroom.  The ant had been hanging out there for days, and often greeted Ray at the sink, standing on its hind legs whenever Ray popped in for a brisk hand-washing.  The old Action Ray would have smashed the interloper with a kleenex and flushed him down the toilet. But Idle Ray had come to enjoy their brief exchanges, sometimes spending hours seated on the edge of the bathtub watching the ant explore its surroundings, wondering why the tiny adventurer had left his posse down at ground level to scale the plumbing up to the second floor.

Soon Ray began spending extended periods of his day sitting as still as possible.  The combination of extreme social-distancing and intense inactivity allowed Ray to achieve what can only be described as a state of sedentary nirvana.  He was able to slow the electrical activity in his muscles to a weak trickle, and his calorie-burn rate dropped to well under one per minute. His muscles started to atrophy at three times the normal rate, and the neural activity in his brain began to dim like a rolling blackout.  

Just then, before he could commence the process of shedding years from the end of his life, Ray felt a light tickling on his nose.  He wanted to scratch it, but remembered the prohibition against touching one’s face and stopped himself. Instead, he opened his eyes, and strained mightily to cross them and focus inward on the end of his nose.  There he saw the ant standing on its hind legs, shaking four fists, and berating him for God knows what. Ants can be such sanctimonious bastards. Ants also work like hell. This little fella was probably giving him shit for his unfathomable laziness.  Having stood at the edge and stared into the abyss, Ray withdrew and thanked his little buddy for saving him from couch potato oblivion.

Bloomberg demonstrates fitness to be president – spends half a billion dollars and has nothing to show for it

“Slow down and let the leader lead.”  Indeed, the Mike Bloomberg campaign has done something no one thought possible.  Capping off an historic three month spending blitzkrieg, the campaign can now point to its victory in American Samoa and proclaim, “Money well spent!”

Former crack addicts, chronic gamblers and recovering alcoholics looked on in envy, thinking, “I wasted fifteen years of my life on hookers and blow when, if I had applied myself, in just three months I could have amassed a handful of delegates for the Democratic nomination to be President of the United States.”  

As Wednesday morning dawned across America, many voters wondered if the pacific islanders might not be onto something.  After all, how could one better demonstrate one’s fitness to be president than by recklessly hurling stacks of cash at an intended outcome only to have nothing to show for the effort?

“Mike Bloomberg would make a first rate commander-in-chief,” says former Deputy Defense Secretary Casper Swinetrough.  “Anyone who could potentially be that careless with America’s pocketbook has got my vote. And, by the way, I’ve got several foreign military interventions we could invest in.  Additionally, I’ve got a list of a dozen or so nations in various states of disrepair that could use some rebuilding.”

Authorities worry powerful new cannabis compound could produce legions of superstoners

The recent discovery of a cannabis compound 30 times stronger than THC by researchers in Italy has some law enforcement officials in the United States more than a little concerned.  The new compound called THCP forms a bond to human cannabinoid receptors 33 times stronger than THC. Once consumed, users are cast into a blizzard of fragmented thoughts and erratic sensations.  The higher cognitive functions become scrambled and the user becomes a slave to uncontrolled impulses. 

“To call these people stoners on steroids would be putting it mildly,” reports Police Chief Eric Whelp of Ocala, FL.  “Early reports describe roving bands of super stoners converging on convenience stores and devouring the entire contents in a matter of minutes.  An impromptu drum circle could pop up anywhere at any time, drawing thousands to the hypnotic rhythms that seem to produce increasingly bizarre behavior.”      

Many have speculated on the origins of the cannabinoid, but It is generally thought the super strength compound somehow made its way onto a research vessel returning from an excursion to Skull Island where scientists were pursuing the elusive Kong.  It is believed that one of the ship’s crew may have accidentally brought the compound on board.  

While scientists struggle to understand what makes it the most potent compound yet discovered, law enforcement officials prepare for unpredictable behavior and potential mayhem.  “We’re staking out the public parks and the Taco Bells,” said Whelp. “If a hack circle spirals out of control, or there’s a run on nachos, we’ll be ready for it.”

Under Bloomberg and Bernie health plans, first two stents are free

It was a rare moment of harmony in a Democratic debate marked by heated disagreements and a head-spinning array of zingers and takedowns.  Two of the combatants, Democratic frontrunner Bernie Sanders and billionaire challenger Michael Bloomberg, bonded over each having two stents placed in their hearts.  

“I think one area maybe Mayor Bloomberg and I share, you have two stents as well,” said Senator Sanders, gesturing to Mayor Bloomberg who appeared to affirm.  

Sanders deftly utilized the moment of goodwill to launch into a description of his healthcare proposal.  “Under my plan, you get two stents,” said Senator Sanders, holding up two fingers. “You get two stents on the house, then you’re on the hook ten percent for each additional stent.”

Not to be outdone, Senator Elizabeth Warren piped in, “I have two stents also,” she asserted to stunned moderators.  “Yeah, that’s right, I had them put in while my son was away at public school.”

“Under my plan,” Senator Warren continued, “Billionaire’s are allowed to keep their first two stents free and clear, but we’ll remove each additional stent and give it to someone in need.”

The debate hall erupted in cheers while Mayor Bloomberg appeared to grab his chest in a gesture that registered somewhere between relief and panic.

Increasing calls for New York to regulate sex cults

With the recent arrest of Lawrence Ray, leader of a sex cult that traced its origins back to a dorm at Sarah Lawrence College, parents and officials in the State of New York are calling upon lawmakers to regulate the state’s burgeoning sex cult industry.

“We’ve gotta get our arms around this thing,” said one state senator, “it’s like the wild west out there.  These self-help, sex cults are springing up right and left and hardly anyone’s paying a damn bit of attention.”

The latest revelations come just months after Keith Raniere, leader of the Albany, New York based Nxivm sex cult, was convicted last June on multiple counts of racketeering, forced labor and sex trafficking.

“What you have here with the Cult of Larry is a situation where just about anybody with a smartphone can start a cult these days,” said Det. Jim Gordan of the Westchester Police Department.  “You set up an account on one of these apps like CultFindr or Gulliblr, and within minutes you can find cults in your area, or you can start your own cult and have some highly suggestible submissive doing your laundry, running errands, draining their bank account, or turning tricks.  The app will facilitate all financial transactions, including bypassing the members bank account and depositing all earnings directly into the cult leader’s account.”  

“This isn’t your grandparents hippie free-love cult or utopian back-to-the-earth commune,” said the senator.  “Those guys spent years attracting potential members and grooming them. Now, you just log in and take your pick.  We need training and certification for anyone wanting to start one of these cults, and we need a mandatory 72 hour waiting period for anyone wishing to join, during which the potential member will receive education and counselling.” 

Some question whether the Lawrence Ray example even fits the definition of a cult.  According to Dr. Marion Culpepper of the State University of New York, “Highly persuasive, manipulative people are everywhere.  Pimps have been around for centuries. Only when a group of privileged, east-coast undergrads at one of the most elite colleges in the country gets sucked in by a two-bit hustler does it suddenly become a cult.”

Celebrities of the world unite!

For 364 days a year, the men and women of the Hollywood dream factory toil in isolation and obscurity, producing high quality entertainment and wholesome family fun.  However, for one night only in February, the stars come out to shine at the Oscars, and humbly bask in some long-overdue and well-deserved public adulation. After all, it’s been nearly a month since they gathered and bestowed globes of gold on one another.  So, once again as in years past, the actors, writers, directors, and craftsmen of Hollywood gather to cash in their artistic brilliance for a coveted gold phallic statue.     

Most Hollywood celebs would just as soon shun the limelight, stay at home and polish their craft, or do laundry and darn socks for the homeless.  But the demands of entertainment studios and corporate executives prompt them to don their finery, and for a few short hours permit the rest of us to see them, honor and praise them for their extraordinary contributions to art and culture.

As always, we marvel at their sacrifice and courage.  Acutely aware of how committed many celebrities are to the environment, it was heartening to see so many roll up to the red carpet on  bicycles. Tangled hair and perspiration stains are but a small price to pay when the fate of humanity is at stake. Additionally, the glitterati looked so uncomfortable adorned in their precious metals and gems.  You could tell they would rather have been toiling in sweatshops alongside the meek and downtrodden, rather than withstanding the blinding glare of a thousand camera flashes. Most remarkable of all, though, as if out of a Frank Capra movie, humble movie stars quietly, but firmly, raised their voices in protest against the orange man they once palled around with and promoted as one of their own, but who now forces them to live in his slums.     

This year’s Academy Awards was truly an inspiring spectacle.  Celebrities of the world united, sharing a common humanity with all those ordinary souls sitting out there in the dark.  After the ceremony, most of the nominees skipped the fancy parties and balls and donated their complimentary $200,000 swag bags to the less fortunate.  Soon, many of LA’s inner city youths will enjoy the experience of a $78,000, 12-day vacation on a luxury yacht. Hurray for Hollywood!

Trump eludes congressional oversight, may not escape Amazon oversight

This time Trump may have stepped in it.  Amazon has filed a notice in the U.S. Court of Federal Claims over a $10 billion dollar Pentagon cloud contract awarded to rival Microsoft.

Initially considered a frontrunner for the lucrative contract, Amazon Web Services watched the deal slip away after a presidential directive to ‘screw Amazon’ went out to then Defense Secretary James Mattis and the DoD.  

Suspecting political interference, Amazon would prefer to use traditional means to learn more about the awarding of the contract by deposing current Defense Secretary Mark Esper as well as Mattis and President Trump.

Barring traditional means, Amazon has indicated a willingness to utilize its extensive network of data devices and cloud access to uncover who said what to who and when.

“You don’t think all those Echoes and Dots are out there just sitting idly by waiting for someone to ask what’s on tv tonight, or those Kindles and Fires are waiting to take you on a magical adventure, do you?” asked Amazon’s AWS chief Andy Jassy.  “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Amazon’s surveillance reach extends well beyond the home and deep into the halls of power. President Trump would shit himself if he knew what we have on him. Actually, we have extensive recordings of the President shitting himself.  It’s really quite disgusting.  

“All this is to say, the president may get away with obstructing Congress, but when it comes to Amazon the truth will out.  Mr. President, you picked the wrong tech giant to fuck with.”