Category: Mostly bullshit

Pelosi reveals impeachment starting lineup

“An impeachment dream team.”  That’s the language some pundits and lawmakers are using to describe the seven House members named to serve as impeachment managers in the trial of President Donald J. Trump.

Running point will be House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff with House Judiciary sharpshooter Jerry Nadler rounding out the backcourt.  

Hakeem Jeffries and Zoe Lofgren will highlight a formidable frontcourt, while Jason Crow, Val Demings and Sylvia Garcia will all see a lot of playing time.  Lofgren comes in with the most experience as this will mark her third impeachment go-around. 

“This will be an impeachment for the ages,” boasted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as she made the announcement.  “A stain on the president’s legacy for all eternity!”  

Somewhere, in the midst of his revelry, Bill Clinton winced as Pelosi drove home the historical permanence that bearing the mark of impeachment has on a presidency.

Analysts were quick to weigh in on the announcement.  “The president’s team will have it’s hand’s full. I look down this roster and I see all kinds of match-up problems for Team Trump,” offered Jeffrey Toobin, appearing on CNN.  “Who can guard Nadler? When Jerry Nadler gets out in open space, improvising and creating, who’s gonna stop him?”

Indeed, that will be the challenge Team Trump faces when it takes the court next week.  Although no official announcement has been made, The White House is expected to name Pat Cipollone, Jay Sekulow, Michael Purpura and Patrick Philbin along with others.

“I just don’t see how the president’s team gets it done,” continued Toobin.  “I mean, if you double-team Jeffries, then Zoe Lofgren is going to eat you alive.”

Internal documents reveal ice cream industry lobby behind Illinois weed legalization

If residents thought the effort to legalize weed in the state of Illinois was an entirely grass-roots organized movement, then it might come as something of a buzzkill to learn that powerful ice cream industry lobbying actually spearheaded the push.

Secret internal documents and private communications among industry insiders shows a highly orchestrated effort by Big Ice Cream to bring legal pot to the people of Illinois.

“Who stood to benefit? Who had the power?  These are the questions we asked ourselves as we began looking into this matter,” says Alex Downer of the ineffectual government watchdog group Responsibility and Integrity in Government, or RIG for short.  “You must remember, the cannabis industry is still relatively new and as yet has no politically connected corporate structure powerful enough to influence Illinois politics. If you want to be a political player in Illinois in general, and Chicago in particular, then you had better be sitting on top of a mountain of cash.”

The Chicagoland Ice Cream Manufacturers and Retailers Association seemed to be just such an organization.  “These guys figured out years ago that if they could bring legal pot to Illinois, the industry stood to reap the benefits of a 50 to 70 percent increase in ice cream sales,” added Downer.  “The leaked documents prove a conspiracy was afoot. In fact, the CICMRA even shook down their dairy suppliers in Wisconsin to help fund the lobbying effort.”

‘Lobbying’ is a term Downer uses loosely as it appears many Illinois legislators were rewarded handsomely for their vote.  “It should have been evident who was in the pocket of Big Ice Cream interests. At the time the legislation was under consideration, there was an ice cream van circling the capitol building everyday handing out treats and playing that infernal nursery rhyme:  ‘The more we work together, together, together. The more we work together, the happier we’ll be. Cause your friends are my friends and my friends are your friends….’ I mean, come on!  

“And that wasn’t the half of it.  We obtained one email where a very powerful government official, capable of delivering a lot of votes, detailed plans for his eight year old’s birthday party.  He wanted a dump truck load each of chocolate, vanilla, and mint chip ice cream dumped on his lawn for the kids to play on. Obviously, they called on the State Highway Department to provide the trucks.  He had his pool filled with soft serve, and witnesses say kids were running around squirting each other with super soakers filled with chocolate syrup and ready whip topping. The decadence is mind-blowing, man!”

However, don’t expect anyone in state government to be held accountable for a potential conflict of interest.  “RIG considered filing an ethics complaint until we were visited by a couple of goons going by the names Mr. Peppermint and Mr. Butter Brickle,” Downer explained.  “They encouraged us to drop the matter so we complied. I mean, what can you do? This is Chicago and this is Big Ice Cream. They don’t play.”

Newseum to close as paywall turns away visitors

Behind a $25 paywall and struggling to attract visitors, the Newseum in Washington DC will close its doors on Tuesday, ending its mission to educate the public of the importance of a free press.

Like so many news organizations these days, the Newseum struggled to attract eyeballs to its myriad of stories and exhibits.  “What are you going to do when you’ve got the National Gallery of Art across the street enticing visitors with eye catching and clickbaity exhibitions?  All free, by the way,” offers Sonya Gavankar the Newseum’s director of public relations.

President Trump even expressed his condolences on Friday, tweeting, “So sad to see the Fake Newseum closing its doors after ten years of deceiving the public, and its $25 admission fee truly made it an enemy of the people.”

However, in recent years some have questioned the Newseum’s choice of exhibits.  One interactive display entitled “Hail A Cab For A Drunk Journalist” offered the visitor an authentic 1970s era encounter with an inebriated newsman stumbling out of DC bar.  The participant struggles to hustle the overweight lush into a cab while the reporter brags about all the secrets he could spill, and vows that one day he’ll blow the lid off this town.  

Campaign staff urges Mike Bloomberg to refrain from personally stopping and frisking event attendees

Staffers for Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg are pleading with their boss today to halt the random stop and frisks he performs on attendees of campaign events.  Not surprisingly, the former mayor of New York is pushing back, characterizing the practice as a means of personally connecting with voters.

“I’m sorry if my staff views these personal moments I share with Americans as an inconvenience or an infringement on their time.  However, I very much enjoy the one to one contact I have with these individuals and their personal belongings,” said Bloomberg.

“One of the knocks on Bloomberg is his lack of charisma and his inability to connect with average Americans.  Aside from his obvious fondness for patting down and manually probing nearly everyone he encounters, he probably thinks he’s making a positive and lasting impression on voters,” observes MSNBC political analyst Hayes Matthews.

However, many campaign staffers are openly questioning the implementation of a new policy Bloomberg refers to as “voter forfeiture.”  Under this practice, Bloomberg often seizes something of value from the individual during the stop and frisk, promising to return it once they have cast a vote for him.  

The practice has raised more than a few eyebrows on the campaign trail, and has many crying foul.  “He relieved me of my engagement ring,” complained one attendee of a New York campaign event. “Now I have to postpone my wedding until after the election.”

Others complain that the billionaire allows his hands to linger a little too long over some search areas.  “Stop and frisk, my ass,” protested one event attendee. “He patted his way straight to my tush and wouldn’t move on till he got my endorsement.”

Don’t expect the policy to end anytime soon.  Said one staffer, “As long as Bloomberg has a reasonable suspicion that you might not vote for him, he’s probably going to let his fingers do the walking.” 

Public urges several more days of impeachment debate from House lawmakers

Like one of those movies you wish would never end, the American public can’t get enough of U.S. House members’ remarks regarding articles of impeachment against President Trump.

The House Judiciary Committee is scheduled to vote Friday on articles of impeachment, setting up a vote by the full House next week.  However, some Americans wish lawmakers would spend an additional week or two endlessly preening and bloviating, in order to get a clearer picture of what’s at stake ahead of this crucial and historic vote.

“Oh, I’m glued to the tube,” said one New York City resident.  “Jerry Nadler is my man. He’s kind of like the Hitchcock of House committee chairmen.  He knows how to strike just the right balance of humor, suspense, and intrigue to keep viewers on the edge of their seat.” 

“It’s like C-SPAN on steroids,” said one Washington DC viewer.  “With so much riding on those votes for proposed amendments, it’s an emotional roller coaster for me, and I never want it to end.”  

Much of the day Thursday was spent in debate with lawmakers on both sides engaging in an engrossing volley of brief but insightful arguments for and against the proposed articles of impeachment.

“Wow!  That twelve hours flew by,” commented one observer from the gallery.  “What a captivating duel of penetrating and thoughtful analysis.”

Of course, every party has to have at least one stick-in-the-mud.  Rep. Tom McClintock of California was not enthralled by the proceedings, commenting,  “The same talking points have been repeated over and over again ad nauseam by both sides.  Repeating a fact over and over doesn’t make it true and denying a fact over and over doesn’t make it false – everybody knows this, everybody watching knows this.”   

Congressman Buzzkill continued, “This hearing’s been enough of an institutional embarrassment without putting it on an endless loop so if I could just offer a modest suggestion — if no one has anything new to add that they resist the temptation to inflict what we already heard over and over again.”  

Scientists create pig-monkey hybrid in lab, clearing way for race of mutant pig-men

“The government’s been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties,” warned Kramer on the hit nineties television show Seinfeld.  It turns out his paranoia was justified.  

Researchers in China recently announced the creation of full-term pig-monkey chimeras.  The creatures consist almost entirely of pig with a dash of monkey cells mixed in. The research aims to eventually grow human organs inside animals for transplant purposes, once a whole host of ethical issues are overcome.

Aside from the obvious ethical conundrum of raising pig-men for the express purpose of eventually harvesting their organs, a number of other considerations would have to be addressed.

One could imagine a race of pig-men objecting to America’s obsession with putting bacon on, in, or around almost everything we eat.  The Baconator, bacon wrapped shrimp and maple bacon cupcakes would all most-likely need to be reconfigured to either eliminate the bacon completely, or adopt an agreeable substitute.  

Of course, finding a satisfactory substitute for bacon would present an even greater technological challenge than engineering animals to grow human organs.  So an interesting paradox develops. If we eat the bacon, then we need to grow pig-men for the replacement of organs ravaged by bacon consumption. However, if we grow the pig-men, then we’ll probably stop eating bacon out of respect for our hybrid cousins, thus eliminating altogether the need for pig-men.  

Perhaps this brave new frontier of medical science would be better off left unexplored.  

Giuliani to drop bunker busting bombshell on impeachment hearings

Shadow diplomat Rudy Giuliani, fresh off a fact and fiction finding mission in Ukraine, is set to deliver his report to Attorney General William Barr.  Sources say the explosive material contained within the report has the potential to detonate the entire impeachment proceedings.  

Entitled “What I Found In Ukraine,” the report may contain potentially damaging information that could undermine the Democrat’s entire case against President Trump.  Providing a tantalizing glimpse of what may come of the Giuliani revelations, the President teased, “He has a lot of good information.  I have not spoken to him about that information yet.”

Unafraid of soiling himself, Giuliani is thought to have been in Ukraine all week digging up dirt on current presidential candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden.

“Well, Rudy came back from Ukraine looking awfully dirty and disheveled,” said Trump.  “I can only assume he found something. I mean, I wouldn’t even let him into the Oval Office he was so covered in filth.  Expect the report to be really dirty. Raunchy.”  

President Trump brushed aside questions regarding the many explosive allegations made by witnesses during recent impeachment hearings.  “Expect some bombshells in Rudy’s report,” the President added. “I know Barr’s team had to have a group of demolitions experts handle the report it was so explosive.  But Rudy, as you know, has been one of the great crime fighters of the last 50 years. If anybody can dig up explosive dirt, it’s Rudy.”