Category: Mostly bullshit

Antifa invades Hong Kong protests, steals American flags

Antifa stormtroopers were spotted on the streets of Hong Kong today, stealing American flags and punching protesters who sang the Star Spangled Banner.

Reminding protesters that the Stars and Stripes is actually a symbol of racism and oppression, Antifa strongly urged protesters to cease their American flag waving and take up the communist red flag of China.  Protesters who failed to comply were punched and pepper sprayed.

Jackbooted Antifa thugs also attacked journalists, smashing cameras and criticizing journalists for undermining Beijing’s efforts to impose communist party control over the prosperous autonomous territory.

Party leaders in Beijing were quick to praise the Antifa mob for their work on behalf of the revolution.  “The Chinese government is greatly indebted to these clueless American idiots for their efforts to suppress pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong.  They recognize that free speech is a threat to the revolution and true peace and freedom can only be achieved through violence and repression. Thank you, Antifa, for doing our work for us and furthering our cause around the globe.” 

Jeffrey Epstein cause of death changed to ‘suicide by hitman’

Results of an autopsy conducted over the weekend reveal Jeffrey Epstein most likely committed suicide, he just used someone else’s hands to do it.  According to unnamed sources familiar with the autopsy results, Epstein suffered broken bones among which was the hyoid bone. Breakage of the hyoid bone is most commonly associated with death by strangulation, but in older men can break during a hanging.

“Right now, we’re working under the theory that Epstein hanged himself,” revealed an unnamed source close to the investigation.  “However, due to the lack of available materials in Epstein’s cell suitable for conducting a hanging, we’re revising our theory to say that instead of a rope or a belt, Epstein probably fashioned someone else’s hands into a noose before hanging himself.”

Officials are hopeful this new information will put to rest speculation that Epstein was murdered by wealthy and powerful individuals in order to prevent the billionaire pedophile from implicating them in his criminal activity.

“All this talk of conspiracy is a little far out there.  The reality is that it’s not unusual for these rich guys, who are not used to doing their own dirty work, to hire someone else to ‘suicide’ them.  Happens all the time,” added the unnamed source. “With Epstein’s wealth, influence and depraved sicko reputation, he would have had little difficulty finding someone to do his suicide for him.”    

MSNBC reporting Tulsi Gabbard expected to address Russian Bot-Con during two week campaign absence

“Beware the Russian bots…” wrote Wajahat Ali of the New York Times.  No one can say we haven’t been warned.  

Now MSNBC is reporting that Hawaii Representative, Democratic Presidential Candidate, and deep cover Russian agent Tulsi Gabbard’s planned two week campaign break to serve her country is actually just a ruse to coordinate with her Russian handlers and address a Russian Bot Conference in Moscow.

NBC News points to articles in Russian propaganda news sites RT and Sputnik, reporting on Gabbard’s absence, as proof that she’s coordinating with the Russians.

“This is a clear example of Russian disinformation peddling,” says MSNBC’s Senior Conspiracy Correspondent Joy Reid.  “Russian bots have even created a special hashtag #ThankYouForYourServiceTulsi to promote Gabbard’s presidential bid and draw attention away from her covert activities.”

Experts who closely monitor Russian English-language news sites are convinced Gabbard’s announcement that she’ll be taking a two week break to fulfill her military service obligation, is just a code to the Russians to say, “Kremlin, I’m coming.”  

According to security experts, chatter among Russian bots has increased dramatically since Gabbard’s recent announcement with most expressing glowing sentiments like “Aloha, Tulsi, we love you” and “Tulsi 2020”.  

Don’t be fooled by the phony support they say.  Instead national security commentators appearing on MSNBC believe all the love is just a prelude to her expected address at Russian Bot-Con.  Gabbard’s presentation entitled “Putin’s Puppet, Assad’s Toadie, Kamala’s Worst Nightmare: How to Swing an Election in the Age of Fake News,” is expected to deliver instructions to her secret army of internet bots, calibrating the Russian propaganda machine as the Democratic primaries move into full-swing.

NBC News dot connectors and conspiracy analysts will continue to monitor internet activity for further developments.

A victory for non-binary public sanitation circular access portals

Who knew that a hole in the road could have a gender?  Apparently they do, they’ve been identified as male all this time, and they’re not very happy about it.  Fortunately, for them, the Berkeley, CA City Council recently voted to liberate these holes from the gender-specific term “manhole” and replaced it with the gender-neutral identifying “maintenance hole.”  It’s definitely a win for the public who no longer face those potentially embarrassing situations that arise from inadvertently misgendering a hole in the road.  

But if you thought the problem of misgendering holes had been solved by a simple vote and the stroke of a pen, think again.  Citizens are outraged that the Berkeley City Council failed to include “Chuckholes” in their list of gendered words to be replaced.  To be clear, “Chuck” is not a noun that describes a specific gender, but it is a proper name that’s applied almost exclusively to males, and since not all holes are male as we’ve recently learned, then we shouldn’t go around attaching male names to them.  The council is expected to designate “potholes” as the official term used to describe those other irritating holes in the road, and “chuckholes” will be permanently banned.

Still on the subject of names, there have been rumblings among some council members over the city’s annual recognition of former South African President and anti-apartheid activist Nelson Mandela.  Officials are worried “Mandela” violates the city’s new policy of gender-neutrality. Possible solutions would include either scrapping the annual recognition altogether, or replacing “Mandela” with the more gender-neutral sounding “Themdela.”  A decision is expected to be announced at next week’s meeting. 

Group seeks to make ‘air guitar’ less white and less male

A group of men in Toledo, Ohio is doing their part to make one of their favorite activities a little more inclusive.  The group was inspired to take action after reading stories in the Washington Post and the New York Times about Apollo 11 era NASA’s almost entirely white, male culture.   

“For pretty darn near going on forty years, me and my buddies have been getting together, drinking a few beers, listening to records, and when the mood strikes us, playing a little air guitar,” says Dennis Johnston.  “Well, after reading a few newspaper articles, penned by some very insightful journalists, it began to occur to me that maybe I’d been wielding my air guitar as a tool of oppression.”  

Unable to shake off the wise words of those east coast journalists, Johnston describes an evening  when he tried tuning out of the key of privilege, and into the key of inclusivity.  

“One night I’m just sitting there watching my buddy, Darryl, lose himself in a Free Bird guitar solo.  Now, Darryl’s no slouch on air guitar, and I must have watched him play Free Bird a hundred times, but I got to thinking, I wonder how a female would interpret this solo?  Would she make the same red, sweaty facial expressions? Would she deploy the same clumsy gyrations and body contortions? Would she flick her tongue around in the same disgusting manner as Darryl?  Almost certainly not, I thought. Might she instead soar gracefully to the music, ride the bird’s wings, and paint a different picture with her air guitar?”

After that experience, Johnston set about trying to attract more women and non-whites to join their group of invisible axe wielders.  They set up a Facebook page and held open auditions, but their invitations seemed to attract only more older white dudes.   

“Sadly, it turns out women and people of color aren’t very interested in air guitar,” says Johnston.  “I had thought my implicit bias was discouraging others not like me from participating in our group. However, now I’ve got it on pretty good authority that some folks think air guitar looks kind of ridiculous.  Oh well, we’re still free as a bird, and this bird you cannot change.”

Air Force to treat Storm Area 51 visitors to dazzling air show

If you’re one of the 1.3 million to RSVP the Storm Area 51 Facebook event planned for this September, the Air Force would like you to know they have some special surprises in store.  A first of its kind air show awaits all visitors who “access the area,” according to an Air Force spokesperson.

“The Air Force has planned a truly interactive experience for anyone trying to come into the area where we train American armed forces,” says Laura McAndrews, spokesperson for the United States Air Force.  “A dazzling array of military hardware will engulf the visitor with sound and fury, and members of our own armed forces will be on hand to make sure your visit to Area 51 is truly memorable.”

“Come, experience the thrill of being strafed by one of our supersonic fighter jets, or take a wild ride in a military transport vehicle.  Bring the whole family as you experience the ‘shock and awe’ of an Air Force fireworks display igniting the desert sky into a hellish mosaic of flickering light and flames.

“You’ll enjoy deluxe accommodations as we put you up in the same hotel where we keep our extra-terrestrial guests,” McAndrews continued.  “And no stay at Area 51 would be complete without a visit to our relaxing spa. Here you can enjoy an ‘out of this world’ massage, but don’t be surprised if you find yourself poked, prodded or anally probed.”

Reservations for the September 20th event are still available on Facebook.  Attendees will meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center where shuttle buses will provide transportation to the site.

Blue Bell Licker sentenced to 30 days of licking public toilets

After pleading guilty to a single count of food tampering, The Blue Bell Ice Cream Licker was sentenced to 30 days of cleaning public toilets with her tongue.  Upon hearing the sentence, The Licker was reported to have violently vomited all over defense counsel’s table. 

Judge Hamilton Gray rebuked the defendant and delivered a strong warning to any other would be lickers:  “Some may find the punishment harsh, but I have no choice other than to make an example of you. Let it be known that violating the public’s trust by licking, spitting, breathing, poking, or any other manner of contaminating edible supermarket items will not be tolerated and will be dealt with swiftly and severely.  You can begin your sentence right away by cleaning up this mess you made. Go on, start licking.” 

Human rights organizations immediately criticized the sentence, citing it as cruel and unusual punishment.  Prosecutors, however, praised the Judge’s decision, claiming that the current licking epidemic has the potential to spur a complete breakdown of societal standards of trust and decency.  Victims groups expressed mixed feelings, pointing out that the defendant will simply go from contaminating grocery items to contaminating public restrooms.  

As they left the courtroom, reporters overheard The Licker berating her defense team.  “This is barbaric! You said I’d probably only get 20 years!” The Licker shouted.