Category: Mostly bullshit

Haters heap apologies on AOC over Amazon deal

Americans by the thousands continued to express their most heartfelt regrets to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez over past criticism of her role in scuttling Amazon’s HQ2 project in Queens.  

With last week’s news that Amazon would be bringing 1500 jobs to Manhattan, a triumphant AOC tweeted a photograph of herself Friday with the caption, “Me waiting on the haters to apologize after we were proven right on Amazon and saved the public billions.”

Almost immediately, Haters began begging for forgiveness and offering effusive praise to the Queens congresswoman.  “Sorry I ever doubted you, AOC,” tweeted one constituent. “25,000 Amazon jobs over ten years was a sucky deal for us, but 1500 in another congressional district – SWEET!” 

Haters from across the media landscape poured out their gratitude and attempted to get back into AOC’s good graces.  “All this time I’ve been praising Donald Trump for his exceptional deal making with North Korea and China,” wrote a contributor to The Daily Caller.  “Once again you’ve shown me the error of my ways, AOC. You are clearly as successful a deal maker as Trump, and your humility is rivaled only by our dear leader himself.” 

A contrite Jeff Bezos offered his apologies as he hovered in his helicopter above New York City looking for a place to land, “Well, I gotta say, that gal’s got a lot of spunk.  I’ve certainly met my match in AOC. Now would someone please build me a free private helipad so we could land this darn thing.”

Lincoln losing ground to Trump in latest poll

Officials are scrambling today to repair the damage from a recent poll that shows America’s sixteenth president Abraham Lincoln lagging six points behind current president Donald Trump.  Asking, “Which Republican president was better?” results of the November 24-26 poll surveying 1500 Republicans show Trump with a 53 to 47 advantage over Lincoln. 

The news comes as a shock to Lincoln supporters who for years have seen his status as America’s greatest president go relatively unchallenged.  Officials are meeting this morning to formulate a response to the latest Trump surge, and to strategize ways to combat Lincoln’s lagging popularity. 

Some experts cite Lincoln’s lack of a presence on social media as a factor contributing to his declining approval.  “If Honest Abe doesn’t take steps to challenge Trump’s social media dominance, he’s just going to continue to see his numbers fall,” says Republican strategist Rebecca Goodwin.  “So much of history and politics is shaped by Facebook and Twitter these days that, left unchallenged, Trump can co-opt Lincoln’s legacy before Abe can tweet ‘four score and seven years ago.’”

Lincoln spokesperson Mark Sanchez thinks the time is right for a complete make-over of the Lincoln image.  “Let’s face it, in the age of Trump, honesty, hard work and humble origins can’t compete with a self-promoting, reality television sensation who shits on a golden toilet.  Today’s Republican voter isn’t going to get behind someone who crapped in an outhouse. Plus, Trump’s First Lady is a former model. Mary Todd, on the other hand, let’s just say among Republican voters Melania has a fairly comfortable lead in the fashion and glamor department.”         

Experts warn there are additional reasons Lincoln supporters should be concerned.  “How many more polls like this one until Republicans demand they take a chisel to Mount Rushmore or the Lincoln Memorial and remake those monuments in Trump’s image?” asks presidential historian Douglas Brinkley.  “Additionally, after a Trump presidency, Republican congressional leaders will surely claim Trump’s exploits far exceed those of Lincoln and call for a renaming of the Lincoln Bedroom.”

Billions come forward alleging non-consensual relationship with McDonald’s

In what’s being described as a McMe Too moment, billions of diners have come forward detailing years of gastro-intestinal abuse at the hands of fast-food giant McDonald’s. 

News of the removal of McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook over an alleged consensual relationship with an employee has prompted a flood of complaints against the fast-food company.  Most detail an ongoing pattern of dietary abuse by McDonald’s Corporation and its subsidiaries toward unsuspecting patrons. 

“We would usually meet up in the mornings before work,” described one victim who wishes to keep their identity private.  “I tried to break it off several times but they keep luring you back.”

Most of the complaints describe a persistent and systematic pattern of harassment where the individual is targeted in their home through the television or over the internet.  “They don’t take no for an answer. They even get you in your car. I see one of those billboards, and the next thing I know, I’m in the drive-thru lane ordering a McRib,” said one man.  

Scientific studies seem to lend credence to consumer complaints.  One study found that just the sight of the iconic golden arches caused low-level activation of salivary glands in 72 percent of subjects tested.  Traffic studies have shown that 23 percent of motorists passing a McDonald’s will turn in and patronize the establishment.

Stories of extreme gastro-intestinal distress are not uncommon.  “I spend about half an hour in the bathroom everyday after lunch,” offered one man without prompting.  

“The introduction of a Big Mac into the digestive tract appears to cause alarming levels of instability,” offered nutrition expert Dr. Sheila Birdsong.  “Let’s not mince words here, the results can be literally explosive. The GI tract’s response to the presence of a Big Mac is to expel it as soon as humanly possible.  This can result in a number of undesired outcomes that can range from dehydration to public humiliation to lost time at work.”      

Employer’s estimate they lose hundreds of billions of dollars due to lost productivity caused by frequent employee bathroom breaks, and many are pointing at McDonald’s as the source of the problem.  Some have even threatened legal action to end McDonald’s predatory practices.

Cubs embark on ambitious 100 year plan to bring World Series title back to Chicago

Following the dismissal of Joe Maddon last month and this week’s hiring of new skipper David Ross, the Chicago Cubs have positioned themselves brilliantly for a run at a World Series title in 2119.

In Monday’s presser, Ross stressed accountability in his new role, impressing fans and building confidence that the wait to bring an MLB title back to the northside would last no more than a century.  “Today we begin laying the groundwork that will serve as the foundation for what this organization does a decade from now, which in turn will provide the infrastructure for future decades of construction, culminating in a world championship sometime long after I’ve passed.”

Cubs president Theo Epstein seemed to echo those sentiments.  “They say ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day.’ They say the pyramids of Egypt took decades to build and the Great Wall of China took centuries.  Someday they’ll say the same about the Cubs quest for a title. Wait a minute, I’m being told that story has already been written. Well, folks, get ready for the sequel.”

Some reporters questioned Epstein’s decision to let Maddon go.  In response, Epstein explained, “Look, Joe was the perfect manager for the perfect time.  But we want to look forward to a new time. The 2100s are going to require fresh thinking and a new approach.  I just don’t think Joe’s going to be up to it. Plus, he probably won’t be with us anymore.”

Regardless, after Monday’s announcement, a new spirit of hope and optimism seems to have pervaded the northside, built upon a recognition that a World Series title might now only be several generations away. 

Fortnite powers down. Millions of boys reunited with loved ones.

Parents and siblings are rejoicing today after reuniting with missing family members thought lost forever.  The popular video game Fortnite powered down Sunday leaving only a black hole visible on the screen and millions of players confused and unable to log in.

John and Patty Perkins were seated at their kitchen table finishing dinner Sunday when the basement door opened and their dazed thirteen year old son appeared in the doorway.  “Mom, Dad, it’s me, Dylan,” he announced as Patty rushed to embrace her son.

“We never lost hope.  We always knew you were out there somewhere and would come back to us.  Come, let me fix you a plate,” Patty said seating Dylan at the family table, the boy’s arms extending four inches beyond the ends of his shirt sleeves.

Not everyone was greeted with hugs and tears of joy, however.  “When I came down from my attic, there was another family living in our house,” said a shaken Justin Cartwright.  “If anyone knows where Bill and Diane Cartwright have relocated, please let me know.”  

After the official Fortnite Twitter account tweeted out “This is The End,” stunned players around the globe began the process of reintegrating back into society.  Some are finding it difficult to adjust to a world that has changed drastically in the last few years. 

“Our son has missed a lot of school,” said one father.  “He doesn’t know how to drive a car and he’s distraught over missing the end of Game of Thrones.  Right now, we’re just taking it one day at a time.”

Over 200 captains sign letter to Congress in support of Captain Kangaroo

A letter containing the signatures of over 200 captains was submitted to Congress today in support of their colleague Captain Kangaroo.  The letter expressed profound disappointment over remarks made by Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz in which he characterized the beloved children’s show host as presiding over kangaroo courts.  The letter read in part:

“We are deeply saddened that a Member of Congress would so carelessly and callously disrespect the name and rank of an honorable American to make a political point.  We call upon Representative Gaetz to issue a public apology to Captain Kangaroo, and to clarify the record regarding the Captain’s distinguished service to our country and generations of television viewers.”

Additionally, a number of signatories shared their fond remembrances of the much loved and widely respected Captain Kangaroo.

Captain Merrill Stubing wrote:  “I was fortunate enough to attend officer’s training school with Captain Kangaroo.  A finer man I’ve never known. After his retirement, he took many a voyage with us on the Pacific Princess and he always occupied a place of honor at the Captain’s Table.  How dare Rep. Gaetz besmirch such a gracious and highly regarded man.”

Captain James T. Kirk added:  “Captains Log: It has come to my attention that a Representative of the U.S. Congress on Earth has spoken ill of my cherished friend and colleague Captain Kangaroo.  I have a good mind to transport the ill-mannered villain up here and smack that contemptuous smirk off his face.”

Captain Barney Miller added:  “When we picked up Mr. Green Jeans for public intoxication, Captain Kangaroo dropped everything to come down to the precinct and bail out his friend.  He sobered him up with some of Sgt. Yemana’s coffee, took him home and put him to bed. That’s the kind of guy Captain Kangaroo is.

Other signatories included such notables as Captain America, Captain Morgan, Captain Beefheart and Captain Sensible.  

Scientists observe quantum superposition of large molecules. Man’s dream of spending more time at the pub about to be realized.

For years, Ben Stump’s life crept along at its petty pace from day to day with little variation in routine and little hope for escaping its dreariness.  Then, suddenly, one miraculous morning, there was change. The sun shone brightly on Ben and old hopes and dreams at once came back into focus. On this morning, Ben read the news that scientists had demonstrated that giant molecules could be in two places at once.  It would be only a matter of time, Ben thought, before the miracle of quantum superpositioning would free him to do the same.

In addition to spending the evening on the sofa with the wife watching the most recent episode of The Voice, Ben could also be down at the pub, throwing back cold ones and chain smoking with his friends.  While he toiled at his unfulfilling job, he could simultaneously occupy a bar stool, eat peanuts and play scratch off tickets. Even during those monthly hook-ups with his wife, he wouldn’t have to miss one second of the football game as he would also be down at the sports bar bathed in the glow of a hundred big screen televisions.  “Oh glorious day,” Ben rejoiced!

However, in short order, dark clouds began to crowd out the sunlight that had momentarily entered Ben’s life.  He imagined himself seated on the sofa with Mrs. Stump watching Dancing With The Stars while simultaneously sitting with her in bed watching a Hallmark movie.  He couldn’t shake the thought of the pair attending church on Sunday while also spending the day antique shopping. The specter of the monthly hook-up doubled and then doubled again.  Horror stacked upon horror! Throwing away the newspaper, Ben vowed never to superposition himself again.