Senator Feinstein declines opportunity to save humanity

Confronted by a plucky group of young environmental activists, Senator Dianne Feinstein of California not-so-politely passed on the children’s proposal to save humanity from annihilation by global warming.  The youngsters, who represent a group called the Sunrise Movement, were summarily dismissed after Feinstein told them she doesn’t respond to “it’s my way or the highway.”

The children seemed slightly dazed after the encounter, complaining, “All we were looking to do was come down here on our lunch hour and save mankind.  But apparently some folks are more interested in watching the forests burn and the seas boil.”

In preparation for the confrontation, the children carefully combed through hundreds of plans and proposals to curb global warming, finally settling on the Green New Deal drafted by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Rep. Ed Markey.  “After much study and deliberation, we decided to endorse the Green New Deal plan and present it to Senator Feinstein,” said the group’s twelve year old spokesperson. “We vetted the shit out of this plan, and we weren’t put up to it by any adults.”

“That’s right,” said an adult who happened to accompany them.  “They’re a grass roots group of concerned young people. I saw them standing along the highway, looking for a ride to the Capitol so they could save the planet from being incinerated by the sun.  Hop on in, I says.”

Critics of the Senator have been quick to jump to the children’s defense, arguing that anytime a group of kids presents a demand, as adults we have a duty to accept it without question.  Said the group’s spokesperson, “I appeal to the grandmother in Senator Feinstein and ask her what happened to the days when we spoiled our children and indulged their every whim? After all, we kids put a lot of work into picking out this proposal and deserve an excessive amount of praise, and perhaps a trip to the ice cream store.”

“It’s no use,” lamented one of the group’s members, “without the Green New Deal, ice cream will become a thing of the past.  Better get used to it.”

“Green New Deal me in,” tweets man from his sweat stained La-Z-Boy

From his malodorous, perspiration stained recliner, Jerry Osborn took to twitter today to announce his full-throated support for Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal proposal.

“Green New Deal me in, AOC,” tweeted Mr. Osborn.  “I’m also grateful that someone is finally recognizing the rights of those unwilling to work.”

Mr. Osborn is referring to language in the proposal that promises “economic security for all who are unable or unwilling to work.”

Interviewed at his home, Mr. Osborn recounted how he’d first learned of the proposal.  “I was reclining in my La-Z-Boy with the television on, which is pretty much what I’m always doing.  I was hazily drifting in and out of a queso induced stupor. I’d been mixing crackers and an assortment of soft cheeses with tortilla chips and queso dip, washing it down with red pop, when I heard a voice describe a proposal granting economic security for those unwilling to work.  It must have taken a while for the sounds to navigate the network of sluggish neurons in my brain, because by the time I regained consciousness and the meaning dawned on me, the news was over and we were already twenty minutes into Wheel of Fortune.”

Mr. Osborn’s “Green New Deal me in” tweet has been liked and shared by hundreds of thousands, and has even led to a job offer to join the AOC staff as a social media consultant.  However, Mr. Osborn isn’t going anywhere just yet. “Sorry, AOC, you’ll have to Green New Deal me out on that one.”

Billionaires abolished. Trillionaire Uncle Sam exempt.

Increasingly, members of Congress support measures to abolish America’s billionaires.  Tough cookies if you happen to be a Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, or Warren Buffet. However, Uncle Sam, America’s only trillionaire, stands to reap an enormous windfall if such measures were to be enacted.

In his piece for the New York Times, Farhad Manjoo discusses how a proposal might take shape.  “Billionaire abolishment could take many forms. It could mean preventing people from keeping more than a billion in booty, but more likely it would mean higher marginal taxes on income, wealth and estates for billionaires and people on the way to becoming billionaires.”

Reached for comment on his yacht vacationing in the Arabian Sea, Uncle Sam was unable to restrain his enthusiasm, “More booty, hell yeah!  How does everybody feel about more booty?” Deafening cheers amidst the rhythmic thump of loud music could be heard through the phone connection.

The call to abolish billionaires originates from the idea that having a billion dollars is immoral, and a system that creates billionaires is inherently corrupt.  Manjoo illustrates this point, “At some level of extreme wealth, money inevitably corrupts. On the left and the right, it buys political power, it silences dissent, it serves primarily to perpetuate ever-greater wealth, often unrelated to any reciprocal social good….that level is self-evidently somewhere around one billion dollars; beyond that, you’re irredeemable.”

While Uncle Sam generally agrees with Manjoo’s point, he takes exception with the last part, “I believe one can be redeemed at the level of a trillion dollars.  Once you’re at the level of a trillion, money ceases to have a corrupting influence. You take very seriously the extreme wealth the American people have imparted on you, and you don’t squander it on buying political power, silencing dissent, or trivialities unrelated to the social good.  Now, if you’ll excuse me for one moment, the Royal Saudi Air Force is about to conduct exercises using shiny new American made fighter jets.”

According to polls, an overwhelming majority of Americans, both Democrat and Republican, favor proposals that would tax the rich.  Expanding healthcare is a top priority of many members of Congress.

As the Trillionaire in Chief, Uncle Sam takes the public’s trust very seriously.  Speaking from the deck of his luxury yacht, “Healthcare, closing the wealth gap, lifting people out of poverty, everybody knows I’m one hundred percent committed to reducing inequality…Hey, baby doll, go fetch your Uncle Sam another drink, would you?….Oh yeah, gender equity, we’re going to cover all that.”  

The question remains, what to do with the 2500 or so abolished American billionaires?  “I think I’ve got that one figured out,” says Uncle Sam. “We’ll banish them to an island in the Pacific – a sort of, Island of Misfit Billionaires, if you will.  We’ll make them quite comfortable there.”

Morning Joe panel “Gab-smacked”

Apparently the Morning Joe crew was only interested in hearing one thing out of Rep. Tulsi Gabbard during her Wednesday appearance on the show:  Assad = enemy.

Unable to get “enemy” after relentless questioning by Kacie DC, Morning Joe indicated that the panel would settle for “adversary”.  When “adversary” wasn’t forthcoming,  Mika desperately tried to get a word out of Gabbard, “If you cannot say that he’s an adversary or an enemy, what is Assad to the U.S.?  What is the word?”

What is the word Rep. Gabbard?  Just give us a word.

Gabbard actually gave them a lot of words.  Words describing the U.S. troop presence in Syria as a mission to defeat ISIS and not “to wage yet another costly destructive regime change war.”  Words decrying previous regime change wars and nation building attempts. Words critical of deploying U.S. troops without a clear mission or objective. Words taking Congress to task for abdicating their responsibility when it comes to deploying American troops.

Clearly, these weren’t the words the Morning Joe crew wanted to hear.  Kacie DC looked positively thunderstruck, reminding Gabbard of Assad’s dirty deeds all while looking as if she were being dragged down the highway to hell.  

Of course, almost instantaneously, heads began exploding all across the establishment media landscape, and like a middle school rumor, the MSM spread the news far and wide.  “Hey, did you hear what Tulsi Gabbard said about Assad? Here watch this video of Tulsi Gabbard saying Assad is not the enemy of the United States.”

So if you follow the HuffPost, or if the Daily Beast reporting is something you take seriously, then Tulsi Gabbard is secretly in love with Assad, she’s being propped up by the Russians, she’s a darling of the far right, and she’s endorsed by David Duke.  

Personally, I’m not aware of who or what David Duke endorses.  It’s not something I follow. I don’t know what kind of barbecue sauce he favors, or which brand of mattress he prefers.  Apparently, though, this is all something the Daily Beast takes seriously and tracks very closely.

For now, it seems the establishment media is making it clear there is no room for an anti-interventionist, anti-war candidate.  Their only interest is to smear the outsider with bullshit stories that wouldn’t even fly on this blog because we’re only interested in mostly bullshit stories, not the heaping, steaming piles of pure, uncut bullshit they’re slanging at the Daily Beast and NBC.  But I have to say, watching Rep. Gabbard call out NBC reporting to a stunned Morning Joe panel on NBC was pretty fucking cool.

The Warriors to get a social justice reboot

With the 40th anniversary of the The Warriors fast approaching, fans of the 1979 cult film classic are naturally expecting a reboot, and an eager Hollywood seems poised to deliver.  

This week producers offered up a glimpse of the new release all updated for a new generation of hyper-woke snowflakes.  Gone are the lawless street toughs of the original, replaced by a spoiled group of university students ready to battle every perceived injustice crossing their path.  

The setting for Social Justice Warriors 2019 is the Yale University campus.  When a small band of undergraduate do gooders find themselves stranded in a strange and unfamiliar part of campus, unjustly accused of cultural appropriation, the SJWs must battle their way back to their residence hall safe space with their fragile feelings intact.

Along the way, the SJWs clash with the university’s glee club whose occasional hand clapping they find anxiety producing in the extreme.  After convincing the club to replace audible clapping with jazz hands, the SJWs then discover the jazz hands to be too unpredictable and demand the glee club just stick to finger snapping.  

Additionally, they forbid the group’s director from conducting with his hands in any manner, much less brandishing a baton.  Feeling threatened by the sudden hand movements, the Social Justice Warriors suggest he conduct simply by raising and lowering his eyebrows, even though they find these to be a bit bushy and menacing as well.   

Later the SJWs encounter a manspreading mansplainer mandating in a manifestly offensive manner.  A rapid fire round of ninja virtue signalling ensues, rendering the manspreading mansplainer mansobbing like a manbaby.

“Social Justice Warriors come out to play!”

In the film’s finale, before the SJWs can retire to their residence hall safe space, they must track down a MAGA troll and diffuse a dirty bomb set to release a cloud of weaponized toxic masculinity across the Yale campus.  We won’t give away the ending, let’s just say, the patriarchy will never be the same.

Social Justice Warriors 2019 opens nationwide February 9th.

Howard Schultz can’t stop not complaining about being bullied

Howard Schultz, the former Starbucks CEO flirting with a presidential run as an independent candidate, can’t seem to stop not complaining about all the media attention he’s currently getting.  After all, the last thing an aspiring presidential candidate wants is a lot of public focus and free publicity from the American press corps. Just ask Donald Trump.

Enter The Daily Beast’s Sarada Peri with her insightful opinion piece entitled, “Powerful Men Can’t Stop Complaining That They’re Being Bullied”.  With a title like that, I couldn’t wait to read about the many instances of this entitled billionaire wallowing in self pity over the treatment he’s receiving from political pundits.  After all, Schultz is running for president, so he needs to man up and stop whining.

Peri wastes no time pinning Schultz to the wall as a serial grumbler, “And though he himself would never complain – at least not explicitly – others will say he has to put up with people trying to ‘bully’ him out of even running for president.”  How diabolical of this man. He has a whole platoon of surrogates whining on his behalf, like baristas dispensing venti sized servings of grievances.

But Peri is not done throwing Schultz’s non-complaints back at him.  She continues by giving the privileged billionaire a little friendly advice on what a prospective presidential candidate can expect from the press.  “But if he feels this harassed by requests to explain himself more fully, then he is in for a rude awakening.” Admittedly, my short term memory isn’t what it used to be, so I attempted to backtrack to the part where Peri quotes or paraphrases the Powerful Man Schultz complaining about the level of harassment he’s received.  However, finding nothing, I’m forced to conclude there must have been some error in the editorial process, or perhaps Peri’s short term memory is a little compromised as well.

Anyway, Peri’s last at bat knocks it out of the park, exposing the sorry CEO as a serial complainer with a persecution complex.  “But if Schultz himself truly believes that he’s being persecuted, then it would be best for him to take his ball and go home early.”  Reader, I must apologize. I was unable to locate where Peri quoted Schultz or cited a television appearance of the slippery CEO whining about being persecuted.  Also, what’s up with the “But ifs”? Can there be any question that this billionaire feels harassed and persecuted?

Perhaps I’m not giving the piece a careful enough reading, or I’m misunderestimating Peri’s ability as a journalist to read her subject’s intent and Powerful Man body language.  If there is one thing we learned from the MAGA teen incident, it is that many of today’s journalists are uncannily adept at reading facial cues and interpreting them for the semi-literate masses.  The rest of us rude mechanicals are simply too literal minded and incapable of peering into a man’s true nature when his words refuse to betray him. But if Peri truly believes she is able to remotely mind meld with a Powerful Man and extract unspoken thoughts from his big selfish brain, then who am I to doubt her special powers. 

Sorry, Schultz, they’re onto your game.  If you can’t stand the heat, pick up your ball and go home early.

MAGA teen incident renders man unable to focus his outrage

Dustin Haggerty’s Saturday had started out innocently enough.  He worked out, ran a few errands, and ate some lunch. Then Haggerty decided to check his news feed.  One picture and headline he encountered filled him with rage, a feeling he had become accustomed to and could even turn into a perverse pleasure at times.  What he wasn’t prepared for were the conflicted feelings to follow, and the maze of emotions he was about to stumble through. When he finally emerged from that maze, it was strapped to a gurney bound for the psychiatric ward of City Hospital.   

“When I saw the look on that young man’s face, I about lost it,” recounted Haggerty.  “The smug look of contempt he was directing at the indigenous gentleman made my blood pressure rise and the veins on my neck pop out.  How dare he disrespect this man like that.”

The young man, of course, is Nick Sandmann, and the indigenous gentleman is Nathan Phillips.  Early media accounts of a scene that took place on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial appear to show a smirking, MAGA hatted, Sandmann, getting in the face of the elderly Native American, Phillips, who was playing his drum and chanting.

“After seeing the photograph and reading the reports, I was ready to jump on Twitter and unleash my fury on the MAGA teens and Sandmann in particular.  I had read an incredible piece in Slate by Ruth Graham. This journalist is amazing. With scant few facts she was able to intuit so much about the young man just by looking at his face.  She didn’t even know his name or anything about him, yet by drawing upon her expertise as a journalist and her powerful psychic abilities, she was able to nail him down as a white supremacist and a possible sex crimes perpetrator.

“That was enough for me.  I got on Twitter and let those kids have it.  I went off on white privilege, shamed their parents and school administrators, and called for heads to roll.  Later, I sat back and watched the ‘likes’ and the ‘retweets’ pile up like I’d just hit the jackpot on a $5 slot.  What a rush! Satisfied I had done my part to save humanity from these teenage oppressors, I passed out on the couch, exhausted and rage drained.”  

As Haggerty slept that night and throughout the following day, a different picture began to emerge of the events that had unfolded on Friday.  “Next time I go on Twitter, I find a link to a YouTube video. Among other things, it shows some African-American men shouting racial and homophobic slurs at the students.  It also shows Phillips walking over to confront the students, rather than the students surrounding Phillips as we’d been led to believe. I check my most trusted news sources:  WaPo, CNN, CBS and the Gray Lady herself – no mention. I’m thinking, are they pretending like these other things didn’t happen? Then I click a link to an article written by Robbie Soave at Reason.  In addition to describing a vastly different account than I’d picked up from my go to news sources, his story seemed to assert that the MAGA boys were almost entirely blameless. I realized I had some soul searching to do.  Were my infinitely reliable MSM sources deliberately trying to mislead the public, and is it possible these boys weren’t the product of a ‘hate factory’ as the honorable Dr. Howard Dean had put forth in a tweet?”

Confusion quickly gave way to sweet scorn as Haggerty once again took to his Twitter machine.  In quick succession, he went after Alyssa Milano, Kathy Griffin, and Reza Aslan, who on Twitter is apparently some kind of punch thirsty badass.  Feeling righteous fury swell inside, he next turned his attention to his trusty news sources and shamed them all for deliberately and willfully misleading the American people.  Additionally, he berated the MSM for driving him to the pages of conservative news sites, seeking the truth regarding the incident. “I felt dirty and compromised for having to go to places like Fox News, The Blaze and Daily Wire to get a fuller picture of what happened.  But my tweetstorm seemed to pay dividends because, one by one, most of my traditional news outlets began to admit there was more to the story. Again, I went to bed satisfied that my rage had not been in vain.

“The next day was bliss for me, I spent the entire day firing off snarky tweets at celebrities and prominent journalists who had reacted badly to the MAGA teen incident and were now apologizing.  As the days wore on, however, I started to notice something curious – some news outlets and journalists were not backing off their assertion that these teens were a bunch of rich, entitled white supremacists.  Vox was still going with its original reporting and Matthew Yglesias was tweeting a video from a 2012 basketball game that purported to show Covington Catholic students wearing black face paint. The Guardian and others were running stories that asserted the right wing media hijacked the story and changed the narrative.  I was tempted to jump on Twitter and go after Sandmann and his publicist. Then I read Caitlin Flanagan’s piece in The Atlantic and I once again became enraged at the New York Times.

“Eventually, my hostility seemed to take on a life of its own, shifting from target to target with no ability on my part to control it.  I’d no sooner began composing a nasty tweet directed at NBC News, when I became seriously pissed at Conor Friedersdorf. I heard the chatter of analysts and talking heads.  I saw the MAGA boys bouncing and chanting in my head. My outrage swelled, but finding no where to go, it turned on me, and consumed me like a shark attacking blood in the water.  Last thing I remember, I was replying to all my previous tweets, hurling abuse and monstrous invective at myself. Then everything went black.”

Haggerty is currently recovering in a psychiatric hospital, undergoing therapy for acute inrage disorder.  Although rare, especially in these days of the internet and social media, inrage occurs when all of the subject’s hostility and rage becomes focused inward on himself.  “It is as if the poles have flipped and magnetic north is no longer out there somewhere, but it is now inside of him. We must refocus that energy outward again,” says Dr. Frederic Rumgarten, the psychiatrist treating Haggerty.  “We will start him out with a little low level external stimuli – perhaps let him view a little C-SPAN. Slowly, by degrees, we will draw the anger outward again, until he is able to return to social media fully capable of maximum externally directed rage.  It is a simple process really. ‘Only another turn of the screw of ordinary human virtue.’”