Tag: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Senator Feinstein declines opportunity to save humanity

Confronted by a plucky group of young environmental activists, Senator Dianne Feinstein of California not-so-politely passed on the children’s proposal to save humanity from annihilation by global warming.  The youngsters, who represent a group called the Sunrise Movement, were summarily dismissed after Feinstein told them she doesn’t respond to “it’s my way or the highway.”

The children seemed slightly dazed after the encounter, complaining, “All we were looking to do was come down here on our lunch hour and save mankind.  But apparently some folks are more interested in watching the forests burn and the seas boil.”

In preparation for the confrontation, the children carefully combed through hundreds of plans and proposals to curb global warming, finally settling on the Green New Deal drafted by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Rep. Ed Markey.  “After much study and deliberation, we decided to endorse the Green New Deal plan and present it to Senator Feinstein,” said the group’s twelve year old spokesperson. “We vetted the shit out of this plan, and we weren’t put up to it by any adults.”

“That’s right,” said an adult who happened to accompany them.  “They’re a grass roots group of concerned young people. I saw them standing along the highway, looking for a ride to the Capitol so they could save the planet from being incinerated by the sun.  Hop on in, I says.”

Critics of the Senator have been quick to jump to the children’s defense, arguing that anytime a group of kids presents a demand, as adults we have a duty to accept it without question.  Said the group’s spokesperson, “I appeal to the grandmother in Senator Feinstein and ask her what happened to the days when we spoiled our children and indulged their every whim? After all, we kids put a lot of work into picking out this proposal and deserve an excessive amount of praise, and perhaps a trip to the ice cream store.”

“It’s no use,” lamented one of the group’s members, “without the Green New Deal, ice cream will become a thing of the past.  Better get used to it.”

“Green New Deal me in,” tweets man from his sweat stained La-Z-Boy

From his malodorous, perspiration stained recliner, Jerry Osborn took to twitter today to announce his full-throated support for Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal proposal.

“Green New Deal me in, AOC,” tweeted Mr. Osborn.  “I’m also grateful that someone is finally recognizing the rights of those unwilling to work.”

Mr. Osborn is referring to language in the proposal that promises “economic security for all who are unable or unwilling to work.”

Interviewed at his home, Mr. Osborn recounted how he’d first learned of the proposal.  “I was reclining in my La-Z-Boy with the television on, which is pretty much what I’m always doing.  I was hazily drifting in and out of a queso induced stupor. I’d been mixing crackers and an assortment of soft cheeses with tortilla chips and queso dip, washing it down with red pop, when I heard a voice describe a proposal granting economic security for those unwilling to work.  It must have taken a while for the sounds to navigate the network of sluggish neurons in my brain, because by the time I regained consciousness and the meaning dawned on me, the news was over and we were already twenty minutes into Wheel of Fortune.”

Mr. Osborn’s “Green New Deal me in” tweet has been liked and shared by hundreds of thousands, and has even led to a job offer to join the AOC staff as a social media consultant.  However, Mr. Osborn isn’t going anywhere just yet. “Sorry, AOC, you’ll have to Green New Deal me out on that one.”