Tag: Brad Parscale

Democrats brainstorm additional ways they can help Trump win in 2020

Riding the success of the Speaker Pelosi speech shredding video, Democrats are working closely with the Trump campaign to generate additional campaign content to help propel Trump to victory in 2020.

“We welcome all the help we can get from Speaker Pelosi and the Democrats,” said Brad Parscale, Trump 2020 campaign manager.  “With impeachment and the Iowa Caucus debacle boosting Trump’s approval rating to the highest level of his presidency, we’re considering just sitting back and letting the Dems drive this bus.”  

“The Democrats have a proven track record of blowing races they should win and snatching defeat from the jaws of victory,” said Drew Hammill, Speaker Pelosi’s deputy chief of staff.  “When the Trump team came to us expressing concern over the president’s declining poll numbers, we had just one question for them: How can we help?” 

The result was a video showing Speaker Pelosi tearing up President Trump’s State of the Union address as he delivers good economic news and honors an American World War II hero.  “I wish I could take credit for that,” said Parscale. “That was a stroke of genius. Someone told me she even had the pages partially pre-torn to ensure maximum dramatic effect.” 

Not everyone is thrilled about the Dems strategizing for Trump.  Appearing on MSNBC’s Panic Room, longtime Democratic strategist from way, way back James Carville flipped out over the Iowa debacle and the prospect of nominating an avowed socialist as the Democratic nominee. 

“Eighteen percent of the population controls 52 Senate seats,” Carville said.  “We’ve got to be a majoritarian party. The urban core is not gonna get it done.  What we need is power! Do you understand? That’s what this is about.”

A few days later, in an interview with Vox, Carville put a fine point on his criticism of Democrats, “We’re losing our damn minds.”

White House Office of Sharpie Revisions releases updated economic numbers

The White House Monday released updated economic data from its Office of Sharpie Revisions.  The revised numbers show August job growth increasing from 130,000 new jobs to 300,000. It appeared a Sharpie had been used to remove a one and add a zero to the previously reported figure.  Additionally, sluggish wage growth was revised upward from 3.2 to 32 percent, and a bar graph charting consumer confidence appeared altered to reveal the highest consumer confidence in decades.

Confronted by reporters, President Trump’s chief economic adviser Larry Kudlow explained the need for the revisions.  “The White House is trying to provide Americans with accurate data in real time. So many of these charts and reports take days to put together and even more time to print.  Wielding the Sharpie allows us to deliver the most accurate up-to-date data to the American people.”

Other crudely altered figures trotted out for public inspection by the OSR show President Trump’s approval rating rising from 39 to 89 percent.  “We discovered a printing error caused gaps to appear in the eight of the president’s approval rating, making it look like a three,” explained Brad Parscale, President Trump’s campaign manager.  “Thankfully, the Office of Sharpie Revisions was able to quickly fill in those gaps and get the true numbers out to the fake news media.” 

With election season approaching, White House officials feel it’s more important than ever to get accurate information to the American people.  “We’re using every tool at our disposal,” OSR director Sarah Spicer explained. “In addition to the Sharpie, we’ve begun using white out. Sometimes we’ll resort to the shredder, or in extreme cases, lease a wood chipper.  You never know when you’ll need to ‘disappear’ some data or some awkward communications.”