This time Trump may have stepped in it. Amazon has filed a notice in the U.S. Court of Federal Claims over a $10 billion dollar Pentagon cloud contract awarded to rival Microsoft.
Initially considered a frontrunner for the lucrative contract, Amazon Web Services watched the deal slip away after a presidential directive to ‘screw Amazon’ went out to then Defense Secretary James Mattis and the DoD.
Suspecting political interference, Amazon would prefer to use traditional means to learn more about the awarding of the contract by deposing current Defense Secretary Mark Esper as well as Mattis and President Trump.
Barring traditional means, Amazon has indicated a willingness to utilize its extensive network of data devices and cloud access to uncover who said what to who and when.
“You don’t think all those Echoes and Dots are out there just sitting idly by waiting for someone to ask what’s on tv tonight, or those Kindles and Fires are waiting to take you on a magical adventure, do you?” asked Amazon’s AWS chief Andy Jassy. “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Amazon’s surveillance reach extends well beyond the home and deep into the halls of power. President Trump would shit himself if he knew what we have on him. Actually, we have extensive recordings of the President shitting himself. It’s really quite disgusting.
“All this is to say, the president may get away with obstructing Congress, but when it comes to Amazon the truth will out. Mr. President, you picked the wrong tech giant to fuck with.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s deputy chief of staff Drew Hammill expressed his amazement Friday over a video making the rounds on Facebook showing President Trump delivering the State of the Union address interspersed with images of Pelosi ripping up the speech.
“What these clever young fellows have done is take the entire State of the Union speech, extract a few short video clips, and then somehow piece them back together again, thereby creating a condensed version with only the most noteworthy parts. I’m at a loss for words,” said Hammill in a statement directed at the popular social networking sites Facebook and Twitter.
“But get this,” Hammill continued, “these ingenious lads pieced it together in such a way that turns the dramatic moment of Pelosi ripping up the speech against her. How clever is that?”
Hammill could barely contain his disbelief. “What is this foul magic they harness to rearrange video and reassemble it for their own nefarious purposes? Whatever it is, the Democrats need to get their hands on it. Think of the possibilities. We could snip short clips of some of President Trump’s most outrageous and deplorable moments and reassemble them into a montage of disgrace and disrepute. This could be a political game-changer. No longer would the viewer have to sit through hours and hours of tape just to get to the juicy bits. We could turn the president’s words against him. I am really going to have to work on this,” Hammill concluded.
“An impeachment dream team.” That’s the language some pundits and lawmakers are using to describe the seven House members named to serve as impeachment managers in the trial of President Donald J. Trump.
Running point will be House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff with House Judiciary sharpshooter Jerry Nadler rounding out the backcourt.
Hakeem Jeffries and Zoe Lofgren will highlight a formidable frontcourt, while Jason Crow, Val Demings and Sylvia Garcia will all see a lot of playing time. Lofgren comes in with the most experience as this will mark her third impeachment go-around.
“This will be an impeachment for the ages,” boasted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as she made the announcement. “A stain on the president’s legacy for all eternity!”
Somewhere, in the midst of his revelry, Bill Clinton winced as Pelosi drove home the historical permanence that bearing the mark of impeachment has on a presidency.
Analysts were quick to weigh in on the announcement. “The president’s team will have it’s hand’s full. I look down this roster and I see all kinds of match-up problems for Team Trump,” offered Jeffrey Toobin, appearing on CNN. “Who can guard Nadler? When Jerry Nadler gets out in open space, improvising and creating, who’s gonna stop him?”
Indeed, that will be the challenge Team Trump faces when it takes the court next week. Although no official announcement has been made, The White House is expected to name Pat Cipollone, Jay Sekulow, Michael Purpura and Patrick Philbin along with others.
“I just don’t see how the president’s team gets it done,” continued Toobin. “I mean, if you double-team Jeffries, then Zoe Lofgren is going to eat you alive.”
Behind a $25 paywall and struggling to attract visitors, the Newseum in Washington DC will close its doors on Tuesday, ending its mission to educate the public of the importance of a free press.
Like so many news organizations these days, the Newseum struggled to attract eyeballs to its myriad of stories and exhibits. “What are you going to do when you’ve got the National Gallery of Art across the street enticing visitors with eye catching and clickbaity exhibitions? All free, by the way,” offers Sonya Gavankar the Newseum’s director of public relations.
President Trump even expressed his condolences on Friday, tweeting, “So sad to see the Fake Newseum closing its doors after ten years of deceiving the public, and its $25 admission fee truly made it an enemy of the people.”
However, in recent years some have questioned the Newseum’s choice of exhibits. One interactive display entitled “Hail A Cab For A Drunk Journalist” offered the visitor an authentic 1970s era encounter with an inebriated newsman stumbling out of DC bar. The participant struggles to hustle the overweight lush into a cab while the reporter brags about all the secrets he could spill, and vows that one day he’ll blow the lid off this town.
Shadow diplomat Rudy Giuliani, fresh off a fact and fiction finding mission in Ukraine, is set to deliver his report to Attorney General William Barr. Sources say the explosive material contained within the report has the potential to detonate the entire impeachment proceedings.
Entitled “What I Found In Ukraine,” the report may contain potentially damaging information that could undermine the Democrat’s entire case against President Trump. Providing a tantalizing glimpse of what may come of the Giuliani revelations, the President teased, “He has a lot of good information. I have not spoken to him about that information yet.”
Unafraid of soiling himself, Giuliani is thought to have been in Ukraine all week digging up dirt on current presidential candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden.
“Well, Rudy came back from Ukraine looking awfully dirty and disheveled,” said Trump. “I can only assume he found something. I mean, I wouldn’t even let him into the Oval Office he was so covered in filth. Expect the report to be really dirty. Raunchy.”
President Trump brushed aside questions regarding the many explosive allegations made by witnesses during recent impeachment hearings. “Expect some bombshells in Rudy’s report,” the President added. “I know Barr’s team had to have a group of demolitions experts handle the report it was so explosive. But Rudy, as you know, has been one of the great crime fighters of the last 50 years. If anybody can dig up explosive dirt, it’s Rudy.”
Americans by the thousands continued to express their most heartfelt regrets to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez over past criticism of her role in scuttling Amazon’s HQ2 project in Queens.
With last week’s news that Amazon would be bringing 1500 jobs to Manhattan, a triumphant AOC tweeted a photograph of herself Friday with the caption, “Me waiting on the haters to apologize after we were proven right on Amazon and saved the public billions.”
Almost immediately, Haters began begging for forgiveness and offering effusive praise to the Queens congresswoman. “Sorry I ever doubted you, AOC,” tweeted one constituent. “25,000 Amazon jobs over ten years was a sucky deal for us, but 1500 in another congressional district – SWEET!”
Haters from across the media landscape poured out their gratitude and attempted to get back into AOC’s good graces. “All this time I’ve been praising Donald Trump for his exceptional deal making with North Korea and China,” wrote a contributor to The Daily Caller. “Once again you’ve shown me the error of my ways, AOC. You are clearly as successful a deal maker as Trump, and your humility is rivaled only by our dear leader himself.”
A contrite Jeff Bezos offered his apologies as he hovered in his helicopter above New York City looking for a place to land, “Well, I gotta say, that gal’s got a lot of spunk. I’ve certainly met my match in AOC. Now would someone please build me a free private helipad so we could land this darn thing.”
Officials are scrambling today to repair the damage from a recent poll that shows America’s sixteenth president Abraham Lincoln lagging six points behind current president Donald Trump. Asking, “Which Republican president was better?” results of the November 24-26 poll surveying 1500 Republicans show Trump with a 53 to 47 advantage over Lincoln.
The news comes as a shock to Lincoln supporters who for years have seen his status as America’s greatest president go relatively unchallenged. Officials are meeting this morning to formulate a response to the latest Trump surge, and to strategize ways to combat Lincoln’s lagging popularity.
Some experts cite Lincoln’s lack of a presence on social media as a factor contributing to his declining approval. “If Honest Abe doesn’t take steps to challenge Trump’s social media dominance, he’s just going to continue to see his numbers fall,” says Republican strategist Rebecca Goodwin. “So much of history and politics is shaped by Facebook and Twitter these days that, left unchallenged, Trump can co-opt Lincoln’s legacy before Abe can tweet ‘four score and seven years ago.’”
Lincoln spokesperson Mark Sanchez thinks the time is right for a complete make-over of the Lincoln image. “Let’s face it, in the age of Trump, honesty, hard work and humble origins can’t compete with a self-promoting, reality television sensation who shits on a golden toilet. Today’s Republican voter isn’t going to get behind someone who crapped in an outhouse. Plus, Trump’s First Lady is a former model. Mary Todd, on the other hand, let’s just say among Republican voters Melania has a fairly comfortable lead in the fashion and glamor department.”
Experts warn there are additional reasons Lincoln supporters should be concerned. “How many more polls like this one until Republicans demand they take a chisel to Mount Rushmore or the Lincoln Memorial and remake those monuments in Trump’s image?” asks presidential historian Douglas Brinkley. “Additionally, after a Trump presidency, Republican congressional leaders will surely claim Trump’s exploits far exceed those of Lincoln and call for a renaming of the Lincoln Bedroom.”