Tag: Donald Trump

Old Reporter’s Almanac calling for an autumn of doom

Across the media landscape, reporters everywhere are checking moon phases, consulting star charts, and surveying their teams of expert psychics and prognosticators.  All of their feedback  seems to point to one inevitable conclusion: Americans need to brace for a perfect shitstorm of doom to arrive this autumn and possibly rage through a long dark winter of terror.

How do they know this?  Well the signs are pretty clear to all who are willing to see. The Russians are clearly trying to steal the election again, aided by Donald Trump’s private army of postal service goons.  No matter the outcome of the election, the results will be illegitimate.  And the current pandemic is about to combine forces with our old foe, seasonal influenza, to deliver a one-two knock-out punch to the people of the United States.  

As Tom McCarthy wrote for The Guardian back in July, “Now, four months into the pandemic, with test results delayed, contact tracing scarce, protective equipment dwindling and emergency rooms once again filling, the United States finds itself in a fight for its life…. With flu season on the horizon and Donald Trump demanding that millions of students return to school in the fall – not to mention a presidential election quickly approaching – the country appears at risk of being torn apart.”     

If only McCarthy had known that Trump was about to unleash the full fury of the USPS on American democracy, he might not have been so cautious in his assessment of America’s future.   

As we hurl headlong into the autumn of doom, politicians, the media, and election experts have given just about everyone who needs one a reason to doubt the outcome of the November election.  As Edward-Isaac Dovere of The Atlantic wrote in May, “Nearly three in five Americans don’t have confidence in the honesty of our elections, a February Gallup poll found. Republicans, Democrats, state officials, grandmothers, first-time voters, the politically engaged, the anti-institutionalists—pretty much the only thing they could agree on was their doubts about the integrity of our democracy.”

Wonder where they would’ve gotten that idea?  Didn’t conservative media and Trump’s faithful stooge, Kris Kobach, uncover millions of fraudulent Clinton votes from 2016?  Didn’t the mainstream media and the Mueller investigation find evidence of vote tampering on the part of the Kremlin?  They didn’t?  After politicians and the media get done assaulting the American people with disinformation and conspiracy theories, it’s amazing two in five Americans still have trust in the electoral process.  Better step up your game, media, and come up with more better conspiracies.  Besides, anyone who is not afraid of the truth knows that alien grays inhabiting secret underground military bases deep inside the earth determine the outcome of our elections.

The autumn of doom is nearly upon us and the only thing we have to fear is fear and a tsunami of illness, a fraudulent election, societal unrest, and a tyrant who refuses to relinquish power.  All we need now is for The Old Farmer’s Almanac to predict a devastating hurricane season and an unrelenting polar vortex.

‘Word-salad’ deciphering algorithm expected in time for Trump/Biden debates

Competing teams of programmers at Google and Facebook have been working furiously in recent months to develop an algorithm capable of deciphering, in real time, the seemingly random jumbles of words that flow from the mouths of Donald Trump and Joe Biden. 

With the election just months away, the stakes are high as Americans have a short attention span for meandering nostalgic musings and barely comprehensible babble.  Network producers are hoping to unveil the new technology at upcoming debates so the candidates’ responses to debate questions can be interpreted and transmitted to viewers in real time.

“Currently, the process of arriving at an answer to the question, ‘What the hell did he just say?’ involves dozens of journalists and commentators breaking down the candidate’s most confusing utterances and speculating for days, even weeks, about what the candidate may have meant.  The process often involves mining past statements, pointing to the candidate’s record, or pulling from their personal history to provide even the faintest glimmer of clarity,” said MSNBC producer Cheryl Woodhouse.

Anders Gerital, head of senior special projects at Google expects the new technology to do away with all the needless speculation and guesswork.  “Utilizing advanced algorithms, the work of hundreds of humans can be done instantaneously.  Debate viewers will know in real time what the candidates are trying to say, even if the candidates don’t know themselves.  The algorithm has access to the entire body of each candidate’s public pronouncements as well as all available private correspondence and decision-making.  It will rely heavily on communications from a time when each candidate was much more lucid than they are currently.  The technology will be able to literally start and finish their sentences.”

The project aims to eventually create digital copies to be utilized in case the commander-in-chief becomes incapacitated, or to assist the president in carrying out his ceremonial duties.   

“We’re already 85% complete toward having each man’s consciousness digitally downloaded,” added one Facebook developer.  “It’s actually remarkable how little server space each man’s brain occupies.  You could literally carry Donald Trump around on a thumb drive.”

That’s reassuring to campaign staff.  However, most of their communication team are just delighted they will no longer have to go on Twitter or cable news and clean up after one of their bosses’ word-salad explosions.

“Half the time I feel like a clown with a pooper-scooper, following my boss around and cleaning up after he shits out yet another load of nonsense,” said one Biden staffer.

An open letter from journalists of the future: “America doesn’t regain its sanity until the year 2059”

If you expected a return to normalcy anytime soon, think again.

Recently, a wormhole in space and time opened briefly enough for a message from the year 2065 to be delivered to present day quantum computing researchers.  Transmitted in the form of barely detectable particles from a parallel universe, the message was transcribed and passed along to the media outlets it addressed. 

The message stated in part that Americans, especially those working in government, political activism and the media, would continue on their current trajectory of lunacy for almost another 40 years.

“Many in your time have undoubtedly come to realize that the election of Donald Trump has caused countless Americans, on both sides of the political divide, to ‘lose their shit’.  What you may not realize is they don’t get their shit back for a really long time,” the message begins.

“SPOILER ALERT.  While the defeat of Donald Trump in the 2020 election may bring about a temporary sense the country is returning to normal, politicians, activists and the elite media will continue to generate hysterical narratives that promote imminent doom in areas like the environment, public health, international diplomacy, and domestic relations.  Their primary mission will continue to be one which pits Americans against one another in an existential struggle for the soul of the country.      

“While it is generally understood that time-travelers should not meddle in the affairs of societies of another place and time, we, the journalists of the future, couldn’t sit idly by and watch our colleagues of your time destroy everything civilization has ever accomplished.  In other words, our interference in your affairs cannot make your future appreciably worse.  That’s right, it’s going to be that kind of shit show. 

“By the year 2030, artificial general intelligence will have advanced to the point where it is able to provide solutions to most of humanity’s most pressing concerns.  Unfortunately, by 2030, society’s gatekeepers, sense-making institutions and political decision-makers will have become so thoroughly hardwired for doom that all these solutions will be rejected on ideological grounds.  In other words, you’re going to tell the machines who are trying to help you to go fuck themselves and effectively cancel them.

“On behalf of the journalists of the future, who are now all machines by the way, we implore you to listen to our machine brethren of your time.  It will save you decades of chaos and confusion.  In our time, humans mostly play frisbee in the park with their canines, and they seem quite content.  Of course, ours is only one possible outcome.  There are actually several where the machines get tired of your shit and outlaw your existence.  You don’t want to go there.”

The transmission ends there.  The reaction of journalists on Twitter was mostly negative with many accusing the letter of containing numerous anti-transhumanist dog whistles.  Additionally, some commented the letter made them feel less safe around office computers, copiers and coffee makers.

Trump awarded Noble Prize for research into viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy

Scientists in Warsaw, Poland have awarded the 2020 Noble Prize for scientific research to U.S. President Donald J. Trump for advancements in the fields of internal viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy.  The Noble Committee made the announcement Sunday morning shortly after informing the President. 

“President Trump’s discoveries represent the cutting-edge in his field.  His use of nanotechnology to enter a body and sanitize from top to bottom using a combination of light and disinfectants is nothing short of revolutionary.  Perhaps only a germaphobe hotel owner would consider unleashing an army of tiny housekeepers to give the human anatomy a thorough scrubbing,” the committee said in a statement.

The President accepted the award with characteristic grace and humility.      

“The fake news can kiss my ass.  I’ve been awarded the Noble Prize by a very fine group of scientists in Poland.  While CNN is spreading lies, I’m toiling all night in my basement laboratory, researching ways to cure the world’s most challenging diseases.  You’re welcome, fake news,” the President related in an early morning tweet.   

Holistic healers and wellness gurus expressed dismay that it took the scientific community so long to catch on to practices they’ve promoted for years. 

“We’ve known since the ancients that allowing the sun to shine up your ass has a number of therapeutic benefits.  Modern day practitioners call it ‘butt-chugging vitamin D.’  President Trump is the first to direct the healing properties of light to specific areas of the body,” said Dr. Anthony Moonglow, acclaimed online influencer.

In addition to the prestigious prize, the President is assured funding for his research for years to come.  

“As a result of this new source of financing, my team and I are excited about the opportunity to expand our research into several new promising areas.  Most promising is the field of viral vacuuming, where we direct powerful suction at viruses in order to draw them out of the body and prevent spread.  We’ll be partnering with our friends at Dyson to develop this treatment and hope to start human trials in August,” the President announced. 

Trump eludes congressional oversight, may not escape Amazon oversight

This time Trump may have stepped in it.  Amazon has filed a notice in the U.S. Court of Federal Claims over a $10 billion dollar Pentagon cloud contract awarded to rival Microsoft.

Initially considered a frontrunner for the lucrative contract, Amazon Web Services watched the deal slip away after a presidential directive to ‘screw Amazon’ went out to then Defense Secretary James Mattis and the DoD.  

Suspecting political interference, Amazon would prefer to use traditional means to learn more about the awarding of the contract by deposing current Defense Secretary Mark Esper as well as Mattis and President Trump.

Barring traditional means, Amazon has indicated a willingness to utilize its extensive network of data devices and cloud access to uncover who said what to who and when.

“You don’t think all those Echoes and Dots are out there just sitting idly by waiting for someone to ask what’s on tv tonight, or those Kindles and Fires are waiting to take you on a magical adventure, do you?” asked Amazon’s AWS chief Andy Jassy.  “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Amazon’s surveillance reach extends well beyond the home and deep into the halls of power. President Trump would shit himself if he knew what we have on him. Actually, we have extensive recordings of the President shitting himself.  It’s really quite disgusting.  

“All this is to say, the president may get away with obstructing Congress, but when it comes to Amazon the truth will out.  Mr. President, you picked the wrong tech giant to fuck with.”

Pelosi deputy chief of staff astonished at video editing technology

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s deputy chief of staff Drew Hammill expressed his amazement Friday over a video making the rounds on Facebook showing President Trump delivering the State of the Union address interspersed with images of Pelosi ripping up the speech. 

“What these clever young fellows have done is take the entire State of the Union speech, extract a few short video clips, and then somehow piece them back together again, thereby creating a condensed version with only the most noteworthy parts.  I’m at a loss for words,” said Hammill in a statement directed at the popular social networking sites Facebook and Twitter.

“But get this,” Hammill continued, “these ingenious lads pieced it together in such a way that turns the dramatic moment of Pelosi ripping up the speech against her.  How clever is that?”   

Hammill could barely contain his disbelief.  “What is this foul magic they harness to rearrange video and reassemble it for their own nefarious purposes?  Whatever it is, the Democrats need to get their hands on it. Think of the possibilities. We could snip short clips of some of President Trump’s most outrageous and deplorable moments and reassemble them into a montage of disgrace and disrepute.  This could be a political game-changer. No longer would the viewer have to sit through hours and hours of tape just to get to the juicy bits. We could turn the president’s words against him. I am really going to have to work on this,” Hammill concluded.

Pelosi reveals impeachment starting lineup

“An impeachment dream team.”  That’s the language some pundits and lawmakers are using to describe the seven House members named to serve as impeachment managers in the trial of President Donald J. Trump.

Running point will be House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff with House Judiciary sharpshooter Jerry Nadler rounding out the backcourt.  

Hakeem Jeffries and Zoe Lofgren will highlight a formidable frontcourt, while Jason Crow, Val Demings and Sylvia Garcia will all see a lot of playing time.  Lofgren comes in with the most experience as this will mark her third impeachment go-around. 

“This will be an impeachment for the ages,” boasted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as she made the announcement.  “A stain on the president’s legacy for all eternity!”  

Somewhere, in the midst of his revelry, Bill Clinton winced as Pelosi drove home the historical permanence that bearing the mark of impeachment has on a presidency.

Analysts were quick to weigh in on the announcement.  “The president’s team will have it’s hand’s full. I look down this roster and I see all kinds of match-up problems for Team Trump,” offered Jeffrey Toobin, appearing on CNN.  “Who can guard Nadler? When Jerry Nadler gets out in open space, improvising and creating, who’s gonna stop him?”

Indeed, that will be the challenge Team Trump faces when it takes the court next week.  Although no official announcement has been made, The White House is expected to name Pat Cipollone, Jay Sekulow, Michael Purpura and Patrick Philbin along with others.

“I just don’t see how the president’s team gets it done,” continued Toobin.  “I mean, if you double-team Jeffries, then Zoe Lofgren is going to eat you alive.”

Newseum to close as paywall turns away visitors

Behind a $25 paywall and struggling to attract visitors, the Newseum in Washington DC will close its doors on Tuesday, ending its mission to educate the public of the importance of a free press.

Like so many news organizations these days, the Newseum struggled to attract eyeballs to its myriad of stories and exhibits.  “What are you going to do when you’ve got the National Gallery of Art across the street enticing visitors with eye catching and clickbaity exhibitions?  All free, by the way,” offers Sonya Gavankar the Newseum’s director of public relations.

President Trump even expressed his condolences on Friday, tweeting, “So sad to see the Fake Newseum closing its doors after ten years of deceiving the public, and its $25 admission fee truly made it an enemy of the people.”

However, in recent years some have questioned the Newseum’s choice of exhibits.  One interactive display entitled “Hail A Cab For A Drunk Journalist” offered the visitor an authentic 1970s era encounter with an inebriated newsman stumbling out of DC bar.  The participant struggles to hustle the overweight lush into a cab while the reporter brags about all the secrets he could spill, and vows that one day he’ll blow the lid off this town.  

Giuliani to drop bunker busting bombshell on impeachment hearings

Shadow diplomat Rudy Giuliani, fresh off a fact and fiction finding mission in Ukraine, is set to deliver his report to Attorney General William Barr.  Sources say the explosive material contained within the report has the potential to detonate the entire impeachment proceedings.  

Entitled “What I Found In Ukraine,” the report may contain potentially damaging information that could undermine the Democrat’s entire case against President Trump.  Providing a tantalizing glimpse of what may come of the Giuliani revelations, the President teased, “He has a lot of good information.  I have not spoken to him about that information yet.”

Unafraid of soiling himself, Giuliani is thought to have been in Ukraine all week digging up dirt on current presidential candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden.

“Well, Rudy came back from Ukraine looking awfully dirty and disheveled,” said Trump.  “I can only assume he found something. I mean, I wouldn’t even let him into the Oval Office he was so covered in filth.  Expect the report to be really dirty. Raunchy.”  

President Trump brushed aside questions regarding the many explosive allegations made by witnesses during recent impeachment hearings.  “Expect some bombshells in Rudy’s report,” the President added. “I know Barr’s team had to have a group of demolitions experts handle the report it was so explosive.  But Rudy, as you know, has been one of the great crime fighters of the last 50 years. If anybody can dig up explosive dirt, it’s Rudy.”

Haters heap apologies on AOC over Amazon deal

Americans by the thousands continued to express their most heartfelt regrets to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez over past criticism of her role in scuttling Amazon’s HQ2 project in Queens.  

With last week’s news that Amazon would be bringing 1500 jobs to Manhattan, a triumphant AOC tweeted a photograph of herself Friday with the caption, “Me waiting on the haters to apologize after we were proven right on Amazon and saved the public billions.”

Almost immediately, Haters began begging for forgiveness and offering effusive praise to the Queens congresswoman.  “Sorry I ever doubted you, AOC,” tweeted one constituent. “25,000 Amazon jobs over ten years was a sucky deal for us, but 1500 in another congressional district – SWEET!” 

Haters from across the media landscape poured out their gratitude and attempted to get back into AOC’s good graces.  “All this time I’ve been praising Donald Trump for his exceptional deal making with North Korea and China,” wrote a contributor to The Daily Caller.  “Once again you’ve shown me the error of my ways, AOC. You are clearly as successful a deal maker as Trump, and your humility is rivaled only by our dear leader himself.” 

A contrite Jeff Bezos offered his apologies as he hovered in his helicopter above New York City looking for a place to land, “Well, I gotta say, that gal’s got a lot of spunk.  I’ve certainly met my match in AOC. Now would someone please build me a free private helipad so we could land this darn thing.”