Tag: Donald Trump

Pelosi reveals impeachment starting lineup

“An impeachment dream team.”  That’s the language some pundits and lawmakers are using to describe the seven House members named to serve as impeachment managers in the trial of President Donald J. Trump.

Running point will be House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff with House Judiciary sharpshooter Jerry Nadler rounding out the backcourt.  

Hakeem Jeffries and Zoe Lofgren will highlight a formidable frontcourt, while Jason Crow, Val Demings and Sylvia Garcia will all see a lot of playing time.  Lofgren comes in with the most experience as this will mark her third impeachment go-around. 

“This will be an impeachment for the ages,” boasted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as she made the announcement.  “A stain on the president’s legacy for all eternity!”  

Somewhere, in the midst of his revelry, Bill Clinton winced as Pelosi drove home the historical permanence that bearing the mark of impeachment has on a presidency.

Analysts were quick to weigh in on the announcement.  “The president’s team will have it’s hand’s full. I look down this roster and I see all kinds of match-up problems for Team Trump,” offered Jeffrey Toobin, appearing on CNN.  “Who can guard Nadler? When Jerry Nadler gets out in open space, improvising and creating, who’s gonna stop him?”

Indeed, that will be the challenge Team Trump faces when it takes the court next week.  Although no official announcement has been made, The White House is expected to name Pat Cipollone, Jay Sekulow, Michael Purpura and Patrick Philbin along with others.

“I just don’t see how the president’s team gets it done,” continued Toobin.  “I mean, if you double-team Jeffries, then Zoe Lofgren is going to eat you alive.”

Newseum to close as paywall turns away visitors

Behind a $25 paywall and struggling to attract visitors, the Newseum in Washington DC will close its doors on Tuesday, ending its mission to educate the public of the importance of a free press.

Like so many news organizations these days, the Newseum struggled to attract eyeballs to its myriad of stories and exhibits.  “What are you going to do when you’ve got the National Gallery of Art across the street enticing visitors with eye catching and clickbaity exhibitions?  All free, by the way,” offers Sonya Gavankar the Newseum’s director of public relations.

President Trump even expressed his condolences on Friday, tweeting, “So sad to see the Fake Newseum closing its doors after ten years of deceiving the public, and its $25 admission fee truly made it an enemy of the people.”

However, in recent years some have questioned the Newseum’s choice of exhibits.  One interactive display entitled “Hail A Cab For A Drunk Journalist” offered the visitor an authentic 1970s era encounter with an inebriated newsman stumbling out of DC bar.  The participant struggles to hustle the overweight lush into a cab while the reporter brags about all the secrets he could spill, and vows that one day he’ll blow the lid off this town.  

Giuliani to drop bunker busting bombshell on impeachment hearings

Shadow diplomat Rudy Giuliani, fresh off a fact and fiction finding mission in Ukraine, is set to deliver his report to Attorney General William Barr.  Sources say the explosive material contained within the report has the potential to detonate the entire impeachment proceedings.  

Entitled “What I Found In Ukraine,” the report may contain potentially damaging information that could undermine the Democrat’s entire case against President Trump.  Providing a tantalizing glimpse of what may come of the Giuliani revelations, the President teased, “He has a lot of good information.  I have not spoken to him about that information yet.”

Unafraid of soiling himself, Giuliani is thought to have been in Ukraine all week digging up dirt on current presidential candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden.

“Well, Rudy came back from Ukraine looking awfully dirty and disheveled,” said Trump.  “I can only assume he found something. I mean, I wouldn’t even let him into the Oval Office he was so covered in filth.  Expect the report to be really dirty. Raunchy.”  

President Trump brushed aside questions regarding the many explosive allegations made by witnesses during recent impeachment hearings.  “Expect some bombshells in Rudy’s report,” the President added. “I know Barr’s team had to have a group of demolitions experts handle the report it was so explosive.  But Rudy, as you know, has been one of the great crime fighters of the last 50 years. If anybody can dig up explosive dirt, it’s Rudy.”

Haters heap apologies on AOC over Amazon deal

Americans by the thousands continued to express their most heartfelt regrets to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez over past criticism of her role in scuttling Amazon’s HQ2 project in Queens.  

With last week’s news that Amazon would be bringing 1500 jobs to Manhattan, a triumphant AOC tweeted a photograph of herself Friday with the caption, “Me waiting on the haters to apologize after we were proven right on Amazon and saved the public billions.”

Almost immediately, Haters began begging for forgiveness and offering effusive praise to the Queens congresswoman.  “Sorry I ever doubted you, AOC,” tweeted one constituent. “25,000 Amazon jobs over ten years was a sucky deal for us, but 1500 in another congressional district – SWEET!” 

Haters from across the media landscape poured out their gratitude and attempted to get back into AOC’s good graces.  “All this time I’ve been praising Donald Trump for his exceptional deal making with North Korea and China,” wrote a contributor to The Daily Caller.  “Once again you’ve shown me the error of my ways, AOC. You are clearly as successful a deal maker as Trump, and your humility is rivaled only by our dear leader himself.” 

A contrite Jeff Bezos offered his apologies as he hovered in his helicopter above New York City looking for a place to land, “Well, I gotta say, that gal’s got a lot of spunk.  I’ve certainly met my match in AOC. Now would someone please build me a free private helipad so we could land this darn thing.”

Lincoln losing ground to Trump in latest poll

Officials are scrambling today to repair the damage from a recent poll that shows America’s sixteenth president Abraham Lincoln lagging six points behind current president Donald Trump.  Asking, “Which Republican president was better?” results of the November 24-26 poll surveying 1500 Republicans show Trump with a 53 to 47 advantage over Lincoln. 

The news comes as a shock to Lincoln supporters who for years have seen his status as America’s greatest president go relatively unchallenged.  Officials are meeting this morning to formulate a response to the latest Trump surge, and to strategize ways to combat Lincoln’s lagging popularity. 

Some experts cite Lincoln’s lack of a presence on social media as a factor contributing to his declining approval.  “If Honest Abe doesn’t take steps to challenge Trump’s social media dominance, he’s just going to continue to see his numbers fall,” says Republican strategist Rebecca Goodwin.  “So much of history and politics is shaped by Facebook and Twitter these days that, left unchallenged, Trump can co-opt Lincoln’s legacy before Abe can tweet ‘four score and seven years ago.’”

Lincoln spokesperson Mark Sanchez thinks the time is right for a complete make-over of the Lincoln image.  “Let’s face it, in the age of Trump, honesty, hard work and humble origins can’t compete with a self-promoting, reality television sensation who shits on a golden toilet.  Today’s Republican voter isn’t going to get behind someone who crapped in an outhouse. Plus, Trump’s First Lady is a former model. Mary Todd, on the other hand, let’s just say among Republican voters Melania has a fairly comfortable lead in the fashion and glamor department.”         

Experts warn there are additional reasons Lincoln supporters should be concerned.  “How many more polls like this one until Republicans demand they take a chisel to Mount Rushmore or the Lincoln Memorial and remake those monuments in Trump’s image?” asks presidential historian Douglas Brinkley.  “Additionally, after a Trump presidency, Republican congressional leaders will surely claim Trump’s exploits far exceed those of Lincoln and call for a renaming of the Lincoln Bedroom.”

New guidelines sought as consumers demand to know the politics of their food

Activists on both sides of the political divide are calling on the Food and Drug Administration to establish guidelines for identifying the politics of the food Americans eat.  In recent weeks, there has been an uptick in calls to boycott various restaurants over their perceived political affiliations. Olive Garden responded to a call to boycott its establishment by noting that it does not contribute to political campaigns.  This confusion has prompted demands for the government to step in and provide some guidance.

“It’s getting really hard to know what food to eat,” said a 21 year old college student.  “I mean, I like Chik-fil-A but they support Trump, and they’re not open on Sunday, so their food really sucks.”

At the other end of the political spectrum, conservatives have gone after coffee giants like Keurig and Starbucks over their political leanings.  “I don’t need to ‘get woke’ to get woke,” said one bleary eyed Trump supporter waiting in line for coffee at McDonald’s. 

So far, the responsibility of informing consumers regarding what food to steer clear of has mostly fallen to celebrities like Chrissy Teigen.  In the absence of government intervention, her tweets have provided invaluable guidance to diners trying to avoid food flavored by the wrong political ideology.

“This salad is incredible,” said one Panera diner and Bernie supporter.  “This is what democratic socialism tastes like!”      

Poll Americans and you’ll find they’re just as divided over their food as they are over their politics.  A recent USA Today Twitter poll found that Americans prefer Chik-fil-A chicken sandwiches over Popeyes by a margin of 54 to 46 percent.  Chik-fil-A is currently the subject of an anti-Trump boycott while Popeyes meets the approval of the group.

The chicken sandwich poll represents good news for President Trump who has seen his numbers drop in recent weeks.  “The people have spoken with their taste buds,” Trump bragged, “and clearly they prefer the taste of freedom and market capitalism that four more years of Trump will bring.”  

Some have suggested the FDA provide simple, easy to understand labels denoting the politics of the food Americans consume.  At the conservative end of the spectrum, an image of Ronald Reagan would let anxious eaters know that their meal is Gipper approved.  For lefties, a Che Guevara stamp tells the diner they’re noshing the food of the revolution. 

Regardless of whether the government steps in, it seems likely many Americans will continue to dine along ideological lines.  Said one food service worker, “Good food shouldn’t divide us. Support me and I promise to make you the best goddamn chicken sandwich you ever tasted.”

Trump contemplates hostile takeover of Greenland

Despite the insistence of Greenland’s government that the semi-autonomous Danish territory is not for sale, President Donald Trump is pushing ahead with efforts to purchase Greenland with or without its approval.

Describing the acquisition as “essentially a large real estate deal,” President Trump has not ruled out a hostile takeover of the island.  “It’s hurting Denmark very badly because they’re losing almost $700 million a year carrying it,” said the president.

Administration sources reveal President Trump and his advisors believe they can turn Greenland around and make it profitable in less than 18 months.  “We’re looking at writing off some of its foreign debt, bringing in some undocumented workers and selling off some assets,” said an anonymous source close to the prospective deal.

According to President Trump, Greenland isn’t the only acquisition the administration is contemplating.  “We’re also looking at buying Denmark and Poland while possibly letting go of Puerto Rico and Michigan’s upper peninsula.  We’re still in the negotiating stages. These deals take time.”

News of a possible deal caused the stock market to close early on Friday as investors had no clue what to do with their money.  “We’re kind of in uncharted territory here,” said one investor. “What the fuck is the president even talking about?”