Tag: essential worker

Human resources department institutes epic ass-covering measures in response to pandemic

Essential worker Ben was slightly taken aback one morning when he attempted to log on to his work computer and was greeted with a series of statements with which he had to agree before completing log in.

“It said things like, ‘I’ve not had a fever in the last 72 hours, I haven’t had any of the following symptoms, or been around anyone who has tested positive.’  I further had to agree that I only cough into my sleeve, and that I use a hand sanitizer with a minimum alcohol content of 60%,” reported Ben.  “Of course, I couldn’t complete log in if I didn’t agree, and failure to adhere to the requirements meant potential disciplinary action.”  

Such is the state of employer/employee relations in these challenging times.  Human resources departments across the country are dealing with potential liability brought on by sick employees.

“Now, more than ever, covering the old rump is the name of the game,” said one personnel manager who wished to remain anonymous.  “This is coming straight from the top.  Deflecting all responsibility onto the employee for what happens in our workplace is the only thing that stands between corporate and an epidemic of lawsuits.”  

Essential Ben agrees that it seems like management’s approach to the pandemic is to blame employees.  “I gotta sign a release to use the restroom, promising to limit the length of time I spend relieving myself, and to wash my hands only with an approved anti-bacterial foaming soap in a prescribed manner for a set duration of time.  Of course, failure to comply could result in disciplinary action.”

“Yeah, I came up with that one,” said the personnel manager, chuckling to himself.  “Look, in these uncertain times, you’ve got to be creative.”

Has management ever considered taking temperatures, testing employees, or providing personal protective equipment like masks?

“Fuck no,” says management.  “If you can’t print it out and make them sign it, then it’s too expensive.  Besides, that would be like admitting we have some responsibility or obligation to our employees.  Additionally, it only makes sense that we put the onus on the employee as management are all working remotely from home and can’t be on site to supervise.” 

Essential worker confounded by narrow halls, cramped stairwells, and tight doorways

Expected to go into work every day because some higher up got it in their head to classify him as an essential worker, Herb Bumstead’s route through his office building to his desk each morning is like navigating a social distancing minefield.  The hallway to his office is not wide enough to permit six feet of clearance between himself and an approaching coworker. Herb compensates for the close quarters by darting from doorway to doorway, letting others pass, and only proceeding when the coast is clear.  Dodging a lingering vapor cloud can be a bit tricky, but like a nimble cat burglar, Herb holds his breath and spider crawls or cart wheels from recess to doorway to alcove until the threat has passed. Should a group of workers from another office enter the hall and converge on Herb, he temporarily aborts the mission by ducking into a restroom or maintenance closet.        

Social-distancing is a great idea in theory, but the reality of physical space conspires to herd us together.  For Herb, a cramped stairwell is the worst. Encountering a single-file group of four engaged in a lively conversation while descending the stairway could potentially expose Herb to the lingering vapor cloud of their chatter for nearly an entire flight of stairs.  Efforts to hold his breath for an entire flight have caused Herb, in a number of instances, to pass out before reaching the upper landing. On occasion, Herb will turn tail, bound back down the steps to the bottom and wait for the group to exit the stairwell. But often this scenario quickly devolves into a Buster Keaton-esque routine where multiple attempts to reach the top of the stairs are turned back by yet another group, sending Herb careening back down to the bottom again.

For Herb, corners and doorways represent a thoroughly confusing ordeal, requiring not a small amount of telepathic communication.  Approaching a doorway, Herb sometimes senses a presence approaching from the opposite direction, prompting him to halt a safe distance from the door in order that the presence might pass without violating the six foot rule.  The only problem is the presence is often standing six feet clear of the other side of the door waiting for Herb to do the same. Says Herb, “It seems our extra-sensory abilities only extend so far. We can detect conscious beings in our vicinity, but we’ve not yet acquired the ability to communicate our intentions.”  Unless, of course, we just shout, “Coming through!”