Tag: President Trump

The Big Lewandowski

Citing absolute immunity, President Trump held back former aides Rob Porter and Rick Dearborn from testifying in front of the House Judiciary Committee on Tuesday.  As legal scholars have noted, no person or spiritual entity in heaven or on earth can compel congressional testimony from a witness granted absolute immunity by the President.  

The White House did, however, permit former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski to mix it up with Jerry Nadler and friends.  A combative Lewandowski came out swinging, telling the committee that he would refuse to answer questions about his conversations with President Trump.

Committee members soon became frustrated over the witness’s unwillingness to cooperate.

“Lewandowski, you are like a fish being cleaned with a spoon – very hard to get a clean answer from you,” charged Rep. Hank Johnson.

Anyone who has ever tried to clean a fish knows it’s impossible to get a straight answer out of one.  Sensing he’d been pinned to the cutting board, Lewandowski launched into another evasive tactic.    

“Let me explain something to you, I am not Lewandowski, I’m The Lewd.  So that’s what you call me, you know, that or His Lewdness or El Lewderino, if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.” 

At one point during the hearing, to avoid direct answers to member’s questions, Lewandowski began reading directly from the Mueller report. 

“You are not going to stonewall me and my questions,” said Rep. David Cicilline, growing visibly irritated.  “Now, Lewandowski, if you don’t mind…”  

“I do mind. The Lewd minds,” Lewandowski snapped back.  “This will not stand, you know. This aggression will not stand, man.” 

Later on Twitter, President Trump called Lewandowski’s performance “beautiful.”  Also, he tweeted video highlights of the testimony under the caption, “The bums won.”

White House Office of Sharpie Revisions releases updated economic numbers

The White House Monday released updated economic data from its Office of Sharpie Revisions.  The revised numbers show August job growth increasing from 130,000 new jobs to 300,000. It appeared a Sharpie had been used to remove a one and add a zero to the previously reported figure.  Additionally, sluggish wage growth was revised upward from 3.2 to 32 percent, and a bar graph charting consumer confidence appeared altered to reveal the highest consumer confidence in decades.

Confronted by reporters, President Trump’s chief economic adviser Larry Kudlow explained the need for the revisions.  “The White House is trying to provide Americans with accurate data in real time. So many of these charts and reports take days to put together and even more time to print.  Wielding the Sharpie allows us to deliver the most accurate up-to-date data to the American people.”

Other crudely altered figures trotted out for public inspection by the OSR show President Trump’s approval rating rising from 39 to 89 percent.  “We discovered a printing error caused gaps to appear in the eight of the president’s approval rating, making it look like a three,” explained Brad Parscale, President Trump’s campaign manager.  “Thankfully, the Office of Sharpie Revisions was able to quickly fill in those gaps and get the true numbers out to the fake news media.” 

With election season approaching, White House officials feel it’s more important than ever to get accurate information to the American people.  “We’re using every tool at our disposal,” OSR director Sarah Spicer explained. “In addition to the Sharpie, we’ve begun using white out. Sometimes we’ll resort to the shredder, or in extreme cases, lease a wood chipper.  You never know when you’ll need to ‘disappear’ some data or some awkward communications.”

Democrats hope to ride prisoner voting issue all the way to the White House

Some say President Trump is pretty adept at creating and deploying memes to his advantage.  Not so fast, say Democrats, we think we’ve discovered a way to beat the president at his own game.  Bernie Sanders, AOC and members of the MSM are having an important conversation about extending voting rights to the incarcerated.  Many media experts think this could be the issue to carry Democrats into the White House in 2020.

“We think this is an issue voters care about,” says a former aide to Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.  “This is what we in the Beltway Bubble call a ‘kitchen table issue’. I personally don’t supper at a kitchen table.  I usually dine out with political power players. But I understand most Americans talk politics at their kitchen tables, and we think prisoner voting is front and center of those discussions.”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez thinks the conversation is important “To avoid looking completely + utterly out of touch w/ the reality our prison system.”  Many analysts agree this is a shrewd move on the part of AOC, seizing the issue before the Democrat’s opponents have an opportunity to define it on their terms and use it to their advantage.

Even AOC’s chief of staff is weighing in on the debate.  However, Saikat Chakrabarti doesn’t want the issue to get too bogged down in nuance, but rather should be summed up in an easy to understand meme.  “”Unlock the Vote’. I envision a Democratic Convention where ‘Unlock the Vote’ is a near constant chant. This is the kind of thing that’s going to carry Dems into the White House.”

However the Democrats decide to deploy this winning strategy, they know one thing is for certain, many thousands of inmates will be grateful to them for restoring their right to vote.  Said one inmate, “Do I look like the kind of person who votes to you? I’ve never voted a day in my life. Politicians can go fuck themselves.”

Increasing numbers of Americans discovering the health benefits of Rage Tweeting

The fury was palpable.  Veins seemed to bulge and sweat seemed to drip from the text. Such was the condition of a number of tweets President Trump dashed off a few mornings ago, attacking Democrats, CNN, Morning Joe, and the New York Times.  Many describe the president as “unhinged”. Of course, many of those same people describe folks who get up at the crack of dawn to jog, swim, or work out at the gym also as crazy.  But when the president receives perfect physical evaluations year after year, one starts to wonder if those morning tweetstorms are more than just the ravings of a madman. Perhaps they partially account for what his personal physician describes as Trump’s “extraordinary” physical strength and stamina, making him “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

Does Rage Tweeting have the potential to become the next Jane Fonda Workout, Sweatin’ to the Oldies, or Hip Hop Abs?  The science is still unsettled, but one thing is clear, increasing numbers of Americans are turning to Rage Tweeting to shed those unwanted pounds and boost their energy and focus.

“I find Rage Tweeting works really well for me.  It gives me a jumpstart to my day. It gets my heart rate elevated and my blood flowing better than just about anything else I’ve tried,” says Tonia Glavin, professor at NYU.  “Additionally, I like to supplement it with some microdosing, which I find really sharpens my outrage and helps me connect with my students.”

It’s not uncommon for Rage Tweeters to discover untapped stores of energy and hostility. Many require less sleep and some even report a loss of appetite, which in turn can lead to weight reduction.  While results may vary, almost all Rage Tweeters agree the practice has transformed their lives.

“Rage Tweeting has helped me make better lifestyle choices.  I’m no longer interacting with those enablers who held me captive to my former rage-free lifestyle.  Now, I’m part of a new community that’s a lot less tolerant of my shortcomings and bad habits. By shaming me to do better and be better, it’s improved my life, I think,” says writer and activist Daniel Assman.

Of course, there will always be detractors, naysayers and wet blankets.  “Rage Tweeting provides no beneficial health benefits that I can see,” says Dr. Bruce Banner, researcher at the University of Michigan.  

But the science is still out on that, right doc?  “No, the science is pretty clear. Rage Tweeting can actually be quite harmful.  It causes unnecessary stress and anxiety, and can eventually lead to feelings of loneliness, isolation and extreme paranoia.  In severe cases, some Rage Tweeters seem to experience a psychotic break from reality.”

So it seems the science still has a long way to go before the benefits of Rage Tweeting can be fully understood.  Until then, keep ragin’ full-on.

Michael Avenatti trades 15 minutes of fame for 15 years

Former Stormy Daniels attorney, Michael Avenatti, concluded his once meteoric rise to cable news superstardom today with a rather abrupt and uneventful collision with a pair of handcuffs.  The former darling of CNN and MSNBC was arrested on charges of extortion and bank and wire fraud.

Avenatti’s star, which had once shone so brightly in the cable news night sky, began its descent to earth when domestic abuse charges were leveled at him, and went into freefall when his famous client, Stormy Daniels, dropped him as her attorney.  It was at this time that scientists began tracking the burned out remains of his celebrity meteor as a near earth object with the potential to impact our planet at any moment. That moment arrived today with his arrest in New York.

Cable news networks and internet media outlets have been quick to distance themselves from the now disgraced attorney who they once floated as a potential 2020 presidential candidate.  Working with highly sensitive measuring devices, scientists detected evidence that the internet shrunk by .02367 percent today as media outlets scrubbed potentially embarrassing stories and videos lauding Avenatti from their websites and social media.  

At the White House this afternoon, President Trump, who was already walking on air after the Mueller report seemed to exonerate him of any wrongdoing, was spotted sashaying around the White House Rose Garden, singing to the birds and occasionally pausing to smell the flowers.  The normally dour Trump even cracked a smile as a robin nested and laid her spring eggs in his intricately woven mesh of golden hair which held its shape exquisitely. Trump was quoted as saying, “I didn’t even have to use my hair spray, I got to say it was a good day.”