Tag: swag

Authorities to perform welfare checks on America’s celebrities

Celebrities around the country have been having a pretty rough time of it lately.  Social media postings reveal desperate Hollywood stars, descended from their heavenly spheres, crying out to the world like they’ve fallen and they can’t get up.  

The sight of so many famous people struggling in their homes has prompted a number of local law enforcement agencies to perform welfare checks on the stars.  “We’ve been getting a lot of calls from folks worried about certain celebrities,” says Bob Stack, spokesperson for the LA County Sheriff’s Department. “People are concerned for the well-being of the most famous and well-off among us.”

Videos of frightened and vulnerable celebrities have been popping up all over the internet these days.  One distressing video shows a veteran pop music icon appearing alone in her bathtub, naked and afraid. Another viral video shows a group of A-Listers, some in tears, taking turns singing John Lennon’s “Imagine.” 

“Well, what I think we are seeing from the Hollywood elite is a massive cry for help,” says Dr. Andrew McGill, a therapist in Beverly Hills.  “Some of these celebs are confined to their luxurious, sprawling mansions with only a personal assistant, a cook, a physical trainer and a diminished crew of support staff to look after them.  They are vulnerable and they need our help.” 

That’s where the LA Sheriffs step in.  “We’ll be knocking on doors and checking in on as many famous people as possible in the coming weeks,” says Stack.  “Also, we urge the public, if you’re aware of a celebrity in need of help, don’t hesitate to let us know. We’ll send a squad car over to check on them.  And thanks to the generous donations of some of the world’s most successful companies, we’ll be distributing swag bags containing over a hundred thousand dollars worth of goodies to help our celebrity friends muddle through these difficult times.”    

Celebrities of the world unite!

For 364 days a year, the men and women of the Hollywood dream factory toil in isolation and obscurity, producing high quality entertainment and wholesome family fun.  However, for one night only in February, the stars come out to shine at the Oscars, and humbly bask in some long-overdue and well-deserved public adulation. After all, it’s been nearly a month since they gathered and bestowed globes of gold on one another.  So, once again as in years past, the actors, writers, directors, and craftsmen of Hollywood gather to cash in their artistic brilliance for a coveted gold phallic statue.     

Most Hollywood celebs would just as soon shun the limelight, stay at home and polish their craft, or do laundry and darn socks for the homeless.  But the demands of entertainment studios and corporate executives prompt them to don their finery, and for a few short hours permit the rest of us to see them, honor and praise them for their extraordinary contributions to art and culture.

As always, we marvel at their sacrifice and courage.  Acutely aware of how committed many celebrities are to the environment, it was heartening to see so many roll up to the red carpet on  bicycles. Tangled hair and perspiration stains are but a small price to pay when the fate of humanity is at stake. Additionally, the glitterati looked so uncomfortable adorned in their precious metals and gems.  You could tell they would rather have been toiling in sweatshops alongside the meek and downtrodden, rather than withstanding the blinding glare of a thousand camera flashes. Most remarkable of all, though, as if out of a Frank Capra movie, humble movie stars quietly, but firmly, raised their voices in protest against the orange man they once palled around with and promoted as one of their own, but who now forces them to live in his slums.     

This year’s Academy Awards was truly an inspiring spectacle.  Celebrities of the world united, sharing a common humanity with all those ordinary souls sitting out there in the dark.  After the ceremony, most of the nominees skipped the fancy parties and balls and donated their complimentary $200,000 swag bags to the less fortunate.  Soon, many of LA’s inner city youths will enjoy the experience of a $78,000, 12-day vacation on a luxury yacht. Hurray for Hollywood!